Use it or Lose it

When I was around 9 years old, I learned to whistle pretty well. And when I was 59, I learned I lost it.

Really. My father was an excellent whistler. By the time my younger brother was 5 he was managing to emit little melodies. I wasn’t going to let Steve outdo me; the pressure was on to learn.

I think I got it along with blowing gum bubbles. It’s all in the mouth-mind coordination. I wasn’t worth recording, but I could exhale a tune.

In fact, it got to where I could whistle on the inhale too. I never mastered the two-finger taxi call or the air-across-grassblade tune, but back then I could breathe a song like I was my own harmonica.

A year ago I tried to whistle for the first time in I don’t know how long. Nothing came out! I couldn’t believe it. I took my problem inside and experimented.

Initially I couldn’t make a note. Then I found I could generate a weak whistle while inhaling. What the heck? Is it easier to inhale-whistle? Or was the last-acquired skill the best retained?

Over the next several months I occasionally retested my ability. Like wiggling a loose tooth or checking to see if I still have a libido, I tried to whistle now and then. I’m pleased to report that I’m regaining the knack. I’m not as good as I used to be. I suspect my best whistling days are behind me. But if this skill disappears again, it won’t be my fault.

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Directions

     When I was around 56, I encountered an alien.

She looked human. She drove a big old American car like a human. But she revealed an out-of-world perspective that was as different from mine as silicon is from carbon.

I was in North Berkeley that morning, as usual, walking from my house to the BART station. When she pulled over to the curb I was heading south on Sacramento Street, near Cedar, and she was driving north.

“Excuse me?” she query-yelled through the open passenger side window. “Can you tell me how to get to College?”

I paused. I had that walk timed so I never waited more than a few minutes for the train, so I wanted to keep walking, but what could I do? It’s common courtesy. “The university, or the street?” I asked.

“The street.”

“Oooh,” I said. “You’re completely turned around.” She watched me with her head cocked to one side.

“Look, ” I advised. “You need to turn your car around and head south about two miles.” I nodded in the direction I’d been walking. “Then take a left toward the hills. Let’s see…you’ll cross (hmmm – Shattuck, Telegraph…) two major intersections before you reach College. You can’t miss it.”

She looked a little puzzled. “Soooo….” she started, aiming an index finger at her own windshield, “where should I turn?”

I was stymied. I was struck with the realization that this driver had no idea she was piloting a vehicle on the surface of a planet. She had no awareness that there was a large natural bay to her left and a range of hills on her right. And I had no words that could bridge our communication gap.

“I’m sorry,” I concluded. “I have to go. Good luck!” and I crossed the street toward the BART station, in front of her idling car.

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Foolin’ Around

When I was maybe 5 or 6, my mother caught me playing with myself. I was sitting on the floor in the livingroom, behind a plush maroon easy chair, pants down and fingers busy.

She told me not to do that. She doesn’t remember the incident. I do.

I didn’t exactly listen to her. Not only did I not stop the activity, but I began talking about it to selected friends, teaching what I knew. But I learned to take it to the privacy of my room or the bathroom.

It’s just a matter of time before you hear the dog joke. Somebody will ask in your hearing: “You know why a dog licks his balls?” and that person or someone else will answer: “Because he can!” Haw haw haw.

What they won’t mention is that a dog can’t touch his genitals. Check it out. They are very good at scratching their ears and necks. They can even do that scrape-the-ribs maneuver while standing on three legs. But there’s no way a dog can place his paw on his balls.

People are different than dogs. When a person stands normally, his or her hands happen to fall right where the genitals are. It would be unnatural not to scratch there.

Of course it’s okay. It’s your body to care for and enjoy. But to quote my mother (not about this!), there’s a time and a place for everything.

Go to the bathroom and close the door. Or to your bedroom if you can achieve privacy there. Self love doesn’t involve anyone else.

And as long as you’re learning where it’s okay to masturbate (ugly word, huh?), you may as well apply the lesson to other masturbatory activities.

When you feel like throwing something because you’re frustrated in a petty way, take it to your room. If you want to wax nostalgic about how good things used to be, about when it was safe to leave doors unlocked or how dreadful it is that language is evolving, do it in private. And if you feel the desire to draw or paint or write impulsively – to just throw down what enters you and gaze upon output that looks nothing like you intended – well that’s okay to do in private too. Just be sure to polish, refine, and edit before you show it to your friends.

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Constuction

     When I was 15, I learned the value of a plan.

We had just moved to Marin Country. We lived in an oblong-shaped house, which design included a long narrow hallway along one side and the back of our home. My brother Andy was 7 at the time, and into building of all sorts. He was adept with Lego, the erector set, even the pieces of the old girder-and-panel skyscraper kit, but what he then liked to use, what worked best in that long hallway, were traditional unvarnished wooden blocks.

We had a lot of the oblongs and squares and pillars and even the little half-circles, but we were down to just one arch-shaped piece. That’s what Andy brought to me.

“Can you write CONSTRUCTION on this for me? Please?”

I would have done it even without the magic word. I was the writer in the family, considered artistic too, and I was proud of my printing. I put down my book and took the block and Sharpie in my hands.

Eagerly I uncapped that marker. Boldly I penned the letters: C … O … N … S … T … U … C … T … I … O … N.  Proudly I handed the block back to Andy, accepted his thanks, and watched him return to his building site.

It wasn’t till at least an hour later that I looked at the sign. Andy had mounted the arch above the entrance to a partial perimeter. He was rrrrrrr-ing his trucks through the gateway when I saw that something looked amiss in my word.

I looked some more.

I saw it. Or didn’t see what I should have seen.

There was no “R.” I hadn’t printed CONSTRUCTION. The word on the arch block was CONSTUCTION.

There’s no removing what a Sharpie hath writ. And there’s never a graceful way to insert an omitted letter.

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Sagelings

brotherly love

When I was around 9 years old, I made my father laugh so heartily that I knew what I said was good.

We lived in Chula Vista, California. Like other suburban families we drove around a lot. It seemed like we were always piling in the car on warm nights and weekends, for burgers or shopping or to the zoo, to the Cuyamacas for a picnic, to friends or (LA) family. There were plenty of opportunities for us to read license plates, billboards, and other signs.

I’d seen the words often. They were always on a big building, across the top or placed vertically on the structure’s edge: JESUS SAVES.

So I finally asked: “What is that, Dad: a bank for Christians?”

I wasn’t the only child who dropped pearls. I’m impelled to record the words of a few others today.

Katie was older than that when she asked her million dollar question, but it would be good at any age. She must have been around 13. “Why,” she pondered one dinner time “don’t they put brake light indicators on the front of cars?” We still don’t know the answer. Just think how helpful it would be: a signal right below the headlights (green, we suggest) that informs any witness when the vehicle is slowing…

Danny wasn’t more than 8 when he asked why the BART police drive cars.

Now there’s a new crop of mini-people in the family. The oldest is only 4 so we know the best questions are yet to come. But already he and his brother are modeling language use for us.

Otto started saying “What the heck?” about six months ago. “What the heck?” It’s more emphatic than WTF, funnier. Lately it has received increased emphasis: “What the double heck?” You can see where it’s going…what the octuple heck?

And Henry has developed the perfect expression of confused despair. He is contending with the twin challenges of learning how to be 2 and transforming from little to middle. His world has been rocked. Here’s what he says.

“I don’ like it.” Eyes meeting mine, direct and assertive.

“What, Henry?”

“I don’ like it.” Still looking at me but with less force.

“What don’t you like, sweetheart?”

Henry casts his eyes down and lowers his voice. “I don’ know…”

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Politics

     When I was 6 years old I had my first political shock.

It was the fall of 1956. The incumbent president, Republican Dwight D. Eisenhower, was running against a Democrat named Adlai Stevenson.

We were paying a Sunday visit to my father’s parents in Spring Valley, New York. My grandparents had a second story apartment there, complete with plastic furniture covers (not comfortable), a corrugated plastic runner to protect the carpet (not pretty), and a bowl of fruit made of wax (not tasty).

But there was a weeping willow tree. It and a pond graced the entrance to the apartment building. The tree had a symmetrical dome shape and trailed its branches in the pond with the elegance of a ballet pose. It seemed to do nothing but drink and think all day.

My other good memory of the place was from the stairwell. It was a dark ugly thing of concrete but it possessed an echo. My mother often wore her screw-on brass carousel earrings when we visited there. The little merry-go-rounds swung from her ear lobes and the tiny dangling horses tinkled against one another. In that stairwell the echoing treble ring was like fairy dust in my ears.

The shock came at the end of that visit, as we were leaving. We’d said goodbye to my grandmother and left her where she always seemed to be: settled in her favorite chair and expecting attention from others. My grandfather, more active, still working as a milliner and one of the leaders of his union local, accompanied us to the car. We were about to back out of the parking area when he leaned in my dad’s window and asked, “So who are you voting for, for president?”

“Pop,” my dad asked/exclaimed, “have I ever voted Republican?”

I blurted. The words were out of my mouth before I heard them in my head: “Daddy: do you mean you’re not going to vote for the President?”

The only answer I got was masculine laughter. It was loving laughter and it satisfied me. I understood.

We pulled away from the apartment and listened to Gunsmoke on the radio all the way home.

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Detention

     When I was 10 years old, I helped pioneer Detention.

Before then teachers were allowed to hit kids. But we were the first wave of the new age, the post-war baby boom, and we changed things. We swamped the schools. Our necessity inspired the establishment of split sessions and made the adults tell us to go into education ourselves – because instructors were in such short supply.

Mediocre teachers (who are by definition average and thus most of them) couldn’t deal with students who wouldn’t sit still or acted scary or talked back, so the practice arose of simply removing certain individuals from the class for awhile. If it had been just one bad kid the principal’s office would have sufficed, but like I said, we were multiple. Nobody called it Detention then, but we were moved to an unused classroom.

We were in the sixth grade in a K – 6 elementary school, across the street from the junior high we’d attend the following year. It was Keith and Steve and Patrick and me, mostly. Keith and Steve had a way of egging each other on, so they were usually sent out of class together. Patrick and I tended to disrupt individually.

Keith was the scary one of us. He was a coarse-featured, heavyset, clumsy freckled guy – the classmate most likely to grow up looking like a fat redneck. He had a large head, thick fingers with ugly nails, and a nasty subversive gleam in his eye. Keith rocked when he sat in class; we had those desk/chair arrangements with a book rack below the seat and a kidney-shaped work surface that curved around our right ribs and I can still picture Keith rocking, regularly, rhythmically and hard enough that he kept slamming his chest and back against the furniture. He wasn’t loud. He’d mumble his anarchic ideas. But his constant rocking made an area of chaos in the classroom that could not be ignored.

Steve was kind of handsome. His parents came from Russia and he had a striking dark appearance. He grew too much hair a few years later, and his good looks submerged under an apelike demeanor, but in sixth grade he reminded us of Errol Flynn. Steve could not sit still. He used any excuse to jump out of his chair and he fidgeted when he had to stay in it. Even on the playground he was a maniac, darting around as if trying to play it all – four square and dodgeball and tetherball and the monkey bars – in the too-short recesses we enjoyed.

Patrick was sweet. His looks were nondescript; his blond hair was crewcut. But he had a dreadful stutter. Other kids mocked him and that made it worse. It was always easy to discombobulate him, and then class could not go on till Patrick was gently removed.

I was the only girl. I didn’t rock or run or stutter; I just wouldn’t shut up. I wanted to learn faster than the teacher taught, or quibble about what a question really meant. When I wasn’t daydreaming (and I had an imaginative world of considerable acreage), I was probably stirring up enough whispering or laughter near my seat that the teacher found my presence unwelcome.

I’m sure there were other kids in that room sometimes, but we four are the tenants in my memory. We didn’t become close friends – even Keith and Steve stopped hanging together the next year, when we started cycling through multiple classrooms each day – but we constituted a cognitive posse. That proto-detention room is where I began to understand that just about everyone (in the USA anyway) has an impulse or attitude disorder. It had to take some crazy to settle our east coast, let alone cross the continent to the west…

The real questions are: How severe? How triggered? How accommodated? Think of what a relief it would be, to seek those answers instead of a mythical fix.

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Whatever

When I was around 55 I witnessed a word, and understood its true meaning, from the bus.

My office was in San Francisco and my home was in Berkeley, and that had been my geography for about 30 years, so I was used to the bus. I rode it home almost every night. I always sat on the starboard side, away from the setting sun. Usually I read while riding. Sometimes I snoozed. Invariably I began looking out the window once we left the freeway, checking out the street scene and preparing to disembark.

The first stop for most Berkeley-bound buses is at University Avenue and 6th Street. That’s where she was, apparently waiting for some other ride.

She was about my age, maybe a decade younger. She looked to be average in height, a little bulky in body, and she stood and dressed like a mannish Lesbian. She wore sensible androgynous shoes, practical blue jeans, a brown leather jacket over her t-shirt, no makeup or jewelry, short unstyled brown hair. Which is another way of saying she resembled many females in the area.

It was her t-shirt that caught my attention. The white fabric bore the word WHATEVER across the chest. I dislike the way we use that word in conversation. It seems to me to be the most passive-aggressive collection of syllables we ever hear. “Whatever” is what my kids say when they want to end the conversation and get away from me. “Whatever,” says my boyfriend, without a smile.

The thing about the dykish woman on the corner of 6th and University was the way her jacket gaped. The brown leather garment was not zipped and it pulled toward the shoulder where her bag was slung, so it fell open on her torso with its edges about 7 inches apart. It showed just half of the word on her t-shirt.

That’s when I saw the hate in wHATEver.

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Dream Flight

When I was about 5 I had a recurring nightmare.

We were living in Glen Cove, New York at the time, number 24 on a dead end street called Leuce Place. When we moved in you could still see the farm behind the back fence – I’ll never forget the time a horse broke through and terrified my city cousin Selene. Within a few years after we arrived that land was transformed into new (split level!) homes, except for the old farmhouse, which was acquired by the family of my first twin acquaintances, Stephen and Shelly.

But there was still a farm when I dreamed my dream. My father and I were in our actual house, on our real street and with the undeveloped land behind the fence. He was building something or fixing something – he couldn’t interrupt whatever his hands were then doing – and he needed a gadget or tool from the basement. He asked me to fetch it for him. I resisted because I was scared of the basement. His request became urgent, a soft irresistible demand.

I went to the basement door and hesitated at the top of the wooden steps. I flipped the light switch and nothing happened; the cavernous room downstairs stayed dark. The bulb must be out. I can’t ask Dad for help; I must proceed. I step out into the blackness and … there are no stairs! I’m falling in the dark and there is no longer any basement floor. I’m plummeting blind forever.

No fun. Really. And it happened more than once.

But after I had my experience with dream candy, I wised up. I knew not only that dreams aren’t real, but that I was capable of becoming a bit aware of when I was dreaming.

I bore those in mind the next time the basement dream started. As usual, it began with me and Dad, alone in the house, him busy with something and me there to help. He sends me to the basement and I go, but reluctantly. The light doesn’t work. When I step off there are no stairs and I start to fall. I say to myself “But I know I’m in a dream” and as I conclude that thought, I swear it’s true: the lights come on and my fall changes to a swoop of flight in limitless space. The feeling is centrifugally sweet and the view, infinite and interesting and in shades of aqua, is awesome.

I haven’t had the falling dream since.

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Sad Endings

When I was 7 years old I saw my first sad ending. I didn’t get it then. Still don’t.

We lived in New York state at the time, on the north side of Long Island, in a town named Glen Cove. Our house was on a dead end street and had been new when we moved in four years earlier. It had three bedrooms, two baths, and one TV – black and white of course. I don’t think anyone had a color television set back then; we were in California by the time NBC began broadcasting Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color (1961), which gave the aggressive buyers (not my parents) justification to invest in a color set.

So it was a black and white program that I watched with my father. It was a performance of a Puccini opera called “Madame Butterfly.”

Puccini was my father’s favorite opera composer and I follow him in that. If you want to hear the most penetrating moving arias, listen to Puccini’s. As I did that day.

But I also watched the story. It’s a love story and it has a tragic ending. The male lead is weak and a cad. The heroine then kills herself. Awful.

I watched the kimono-clad woman plunge the knife into her chest and I waited. I assumed something would happen to make it all right. Then the credits began to roll. I looked to my dad.

“Some stories are like that, sweetie,” he said gently. He aimed his handsome face at me and stroked my head. “Some stories in life have happy endings and some have sad, and movies tell stories like life.”

I heard his words but I did not understand. Oh, I’d already experienced death; all it takes is a bug jar for a kid to see and bemoan the end of a firefly or a moth. I knew life contained bumps and bads. But I could not figure out why anyone would want to include a sad ending in entertainment. I thought movies and other performances were supposed to make me feel good. This ending made me feel serious but not good. I didn’t think I needed help feeling that heaviness and solemnity.

My friends didn’t see that opera when I did. Most of them had their first sad ending watching a movie called “Old Yeller.” Yeller was a great dog who gets rabies and has to be destroyed at the end of the film.

There was a lot of talk about “Old Yeller.” What we now call buzz, but among the 7-year old and 8-year old community. They all liked the movie till the final reel. Nobody understood the value of the death ending.

It appears that my pals have since learned to appreciate tragedies. They also seem to like stories that describe life as we live it here and now.

I don’t. I want my entertainment to take me to places or times I don’t visit, and to make me laugh.

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