It isn’t perfect here, although it’s good.
The atmosphere’s not dark enough at night.
So much illuminates the neighborhood,
the view’s not midnight-blue through my skylight.
At 3 a.m. no stars beguile my sight;
I probably could read without a lamp.
An eyemask doesn’t suit – the strap’s too tight.
I shut my lids and stretch to ease a cramp.
I quietly supported several folks,
who worked in quantity but unlike me.
Reacting to the expectations (pokes)
of culture, gender, peers and family,
they put in time. I didn’t garner thanks
as much as latent, passive argument.
I took unfair in stride. I don’t resent
what never pierced the armor on my flanks.
So it was not unusual, last week,
to nudge a sib aside who won’t prevail.
I promised not to yell. “Just let me speak,”
I murmured, facing clerical travail.
I spoke with certain calm. I wasn’t rude.
I did the job and reap self-gratitude.
She will forget, and doesn’t moderate
her habits, so the added years abet
the problem – missing things and running late.
She will forget.
I don’t want her to feel she’s in my debt,
so I try subtly to accommodate.
It hurts to see her muddled or upset.
And sometimes I succeed – her goofs abate.
I nudge her to appointments, deadlines met,
but all too often comes to pass a date
she will forget.
Although my parents picked at me, and mocked
my oddities, and disciplined me first
(I was the oldest), and were sometimes shocked
or charmed the way I spoke, and thought I nursed
my shrimp as prized beyond how each enjoys
a favorite, though for years I haven’t heard
them say I’d better supervise the boys,
I understand the power in that word.
So silently I’ve watched my brothers age,
and now and then I subtly intervene.
I don’t believe they notice, and no wage
is paid me to perform, but I feel clean
at heart and proud to tend the sibling cord.
Caressing self-approval’s my reward.
For decades I confess admitting doubt
about my use of creativity
to put to words my tales and verse, without
experiencing grief and tragedy,
addiction, or profound insanity,
for I’ve been blessed with health and loving stuff.
Last week, I came upon epiphany –
perhaps neurodivergence is enough.
Although I don’t sleep well, and I’m now cold
in 70 degrees, without the sun,
and seem to bruise if breeze attacks my hold
on keys or bottle-tops, I am not done.
My skin is crepe-like creased – I know I’m old,
yet I’ve but two prescriptions. I’ve begun
to witness others, battling cancer’s curse
or losing words. I could be so much worse.
Another member of the family
expired yesterday. We weren’t close
except in age – some years past 70 –
related through our kids. She lost her mind
before she gave up functionality,
but even that forsook her over time.
It’s been two years since she’d remember me,
but loss is sobering. I’m varicose
with sadness for her orphaned progeny.
It seems a bit like being born again,
surviving staying in the ICU.
You’re patiently immobile, even when
you’re conscious – you are helpless, and it’s true
your favorite items will be oxygen
and fluids. You may have a point of view,
but after the experience, you’ll find
you have no recollection in your mind.
All three of us had narcissistic moms
who gazed in mirrors more than at their girls.
They blocked our feelings with their upraised palms,
and teaching husband hunting, dropped no pearls
of useful wisdom. Each preferred her son,
and deprecated women when they could.
Transactional perspective formed their run,
and beauty, wealth and status were their good.
So we are linked by histories, but not
as similar in navigating years.
For all had fathers not to be forgot.
Although one drank too often, it appears,
and two did not assure the wife enough,
the third was made of strong and loving stuff.
I’ve often felt anxiety asleep –
a dream of travel, racing to connect,
or trying amid hurrying to keep
my stuff with me, to gather and inspect
the needful. If an omen, I neglect
considering how it should guide my views.
Last night the vision morphed – my way was wrecked
by phone map hacked, displaying useless news.
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