Metamorph

buterfleoge

I grew up bright, with brave ambition for
my banner, motivation, and excuse.
But one day 20 years ago (or more)
I put a house around me to produce
a family instead of poetry.
In consequence my energy was soon
exhausted in the coils of drudgery,
and I was circumscribed by a cocoon.

The chrysalis disintegrates as I
emerging kick its stickiness apart.
Unfolding me reveals a butterfly
with wings of metered metaphor, a heart
as free as infancy, a psyche grown
to confidence, and armor made of bone.

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Cherry

bing_cherries[1]

Two travelers rest upon a shaded seat
ingesting cherries purchased where they grow,
that grew too perfect to delay to eat:
cascades of flavor so intense they know
no other sense. They pause to gaze at one:
a globe of purple ballasted within,
its roundness gleaming in the midday sun,
its ripeness offering to split its skin.

He wonders: is there any way to catch
a cherry just like this, in words or art?
select an indigo and have it match
the sparkle in her palm? with verse impart
its pregnant strength? No words can capture quite
the pop that cherry makes beneath his bite.

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Moon Over 120

imagesCA3WVP8K

A dark gray ribbon lay upon the land,
an asphalt arrow to the eastern pass,
dividing pumice into field and strand
and giving shoulder to the desert grass.
The moon hung heavy silver on our right;
it striped the road with puddles soft and black
that pooled within its dips all tones of night,
until our headlights chased the shadows back.

We can’t believe the heat mirage of day
that punctuates the road with phantom pools.
Now desert moon deludes our eyes to play
a shadow trick, for human eyes are tools
to testify and yet to be deceived
by images so readily believed.

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El

impatience

She prides herself on a good memory. El thinks she was naturally endowed, but that’s no cause for pride. She can’t understand people who brag about 20/20 vision, or cavity-resistant teeth, or double-jointedness, or a high IQ. As far as she’s concerned, those traits are just cards dealt to an individual’s hand – you can’t brag about fanning your cards to find a full house, and you sure can’t take credit for natural qualities and aptitudes.

No, she’d say. It’s not the cards; it’s how you play them. And the fact is, she’s always done things to enhance her remembering. Like replaying the day’s vignettes before she falls asleep. That’s as effective as reviewing vocabulary cards just before lights-out – you harness your subconscious to file facts where you can retrieve them. Or keeping a journal (called a “diary” when she started the practice in sixth grade, in a vinyl-covered date-labeled book that had a closing strap with a keyed lock). The act of writing her day helped her remember, and then there was the occasional reading of entries to reinforce the recollecting.

She was Penny then. Her parents named her Penelope, which she liked for its musical lilt even after she discovered it was spelled as if it had three syllables. Her parents and brothers called her Penny, and she was on her way to “Pen” in high school when she discovered Greek mythology.

“Discovered” is an understatement. Penny fell deeply in love with the Olympic pantheon, their predecessors and their plots, which love led her of course to Homer and the story of Odysseus’s home life.

So Penny met the original Penelope, and was briefly enchanted. Until she considered how unlike her own character was, to that of the warrior’s patient wife. Penny was no good at waiting. She was a fan of immediate gratification. She aspired to promiscuity and sexual power.

She changed her nickname to “El.” It only took her about a month to alter her friends’ habits. She told her new high school teachers she preferred to be called “El,” she endured three questions and about a week of stuttering jokes, and then most of her peers forgot she was ever Penny. Her family took longer, with her mother resistant and her younger brothers drawling “Pen-EL-o-pee” at her for a few months, but she acted surprisingly patient about her name, at home, and she prevailed.

She’s been El for half a century now. For 43 of those 50 years she has been employed in the same financial services consulting field: first as a clerk-typist, then as a part-time specialist while her kids were young, and mostly as a self-employed owner of a small business.

She never has acquired patience. El learned how much she couldn’t control while she raised her children, of course. She did a lot of pacing, and twitching, and haranguing, but she never managed to talk herself down. She had trouble being in the moment, because if she was awake she was either considering tasks that needed doing or ticking off the items already accomplished to determine if she merited snacks and pot and solitaire.

She doesn’t like surprises. She isn’t into spontaneity. She’ll tell you that’s because she enjoys anticipation as much or more than the actual event, but that’s not true. She makes plans like lists, overconsidered and particular, and she loves the perfectly minutely scripted plans immediately; they ARE the event.

Recently El has begun the process of retiring from her consulting career. She assumed it would be a difficult transition. She feared that she’s a workaholic and that ceasing to leave the house to go to the office to accomplish tasks she’s good at, would turn her inward toward agoraphobia.

Two and a half months ago, she stopped working every day. She cut her office time by 80%. She started forwarding emails and phone messages to her two young colleagues.

As usual, she kept a journal. For accuracy’s sake, that’s a good thing. For recently El started thinking that the shift to retirement was smooth and painless. She was walking home from the market, noting a bit of bounce in her stride, and thought to herself that not-working was much easier than she’d feared. When she got home, she woke up her computer and noted that she’d left the file open after posting a morning journal entry. Before closing it, she paged up, and caught the entry from a month ago, and sank into attentive reading.

She was astounded. She read about herself, one month ago, and it was almost like hearing from a stranger. She took in reports about chronic anxiety, about an edgy inability to relax that didn’t seem to come from her changing circumstances, or worry about her son, or dismay about her own bad habits. None of the above; all of the above. She saw that she’d been considering therapy and/or meditation. Her own words on the computer screen made her remember that, four weeks ago, she was anything but graceful in her transition.

Wow, she thought then. She has read that it takes six weeks to form new pathways in the brain. Which is a comprehensive way of describing the incorporation of a new habit. Reading her own journal entries, El realized that, on the eve of six weeks after making the big change, she was restless and anxious and felt unwell. Kind of like right before giving birth. And then she got better. Relief alone provided ecstasy. And adjustment carried the well-feeling forward so strongly that she had been about to forget the pain of transition, and misreport her own recent experience.

El had been correct about her own impatience. She’s calmer than her mother but she doesn’t endure suffering without complaint. She well knows how antsy and unsettled she is when forced to wait for anything.

But it looks like she was dead wrong about being a workaholic. Or “task-oriented,” as she euphemistically described her need to make lists and her drive to get the necessary done before she allows herself to relax into lovely time-wasting activities. As she’s learning now, it’s easy for her to stop all the working. She never was addicted to it, or to the feeling of accomplishment she enjoyed after doing it. It turns out that El is naturally as indolent as she always wished she were. Apparently, she just has a high responsibility index.

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Opal Moon in Capricorn, Opal Rock in Hand

Almost Opal 005

The moonlight rides the evening like a boat
on pearly fog, across the atmosphere,
its perfect circle harnessed to a goat,
its glow diffuse and fuzzy as cashmere.
The rock I hold invites my hand to form
a pregnant fist, its surface slick as silk
and cool as glass that held begins to warm,
its colors gray and orange shot with milk.

The ruminant is foraging July.
It capers in the opalescent bowl
where mist is marbled on a navy sky,
where eons whisper and the omens toll
an energy that can’t be sensed at noon,
but floats on silence underneath the moon.

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Mismarriage

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I lived my young adulthood as a wife,
and though my purpose isn’t to disparage,
I look upon that portion of my life
and can’t perceive much benefit to marriage.
For now that I’ve a schedule all my own
of work and family and exercise,
I realize that I’d rather be alone
than play a part of coupled compromise.

My marriage was a mess of mingled fears
and income merged to buy the house we kept.
We loved and argued over twenty years,
remembered mostly now by how I wept.
And while in fear or sadness I need friends,
my days unmated justly serve my ends.

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Abscession

Again in memory I wear my robe
of painted silk, and you lie underneath,
your body both a cushion and a probe
for mine, your skin engaged between my teeth.
Your errant flesh remembers me; you feel
insistent as my robe caresses you.
You take me through the fabric till we peel
away the silken folds of flowered blue.

My robe recalls our year of laughing late,
the texture of your nape against my lips.
It ought to warm my heart, but if I rolled
its cloth around me it would irritate
and torment me, for chill your absence grips
me now, and silk is useless in this cold.

(I thought I’d save these memories to feel on sadder days,
to carry me through agony or stress.
But when I try to use them, I get punishing replays,
and what appeared a pearl is an abscess.)

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Invoicing

suggestion_box[1][1]

A capital proposal – we could bill
them more who stalled, ignored or never sent
us data; surcharge blamers for their ill
behavior; let the way our time is spent
assign the dollar rate we multiply.
And what’s the charge for wasting us? Let’s make
an added set of service fees, to try
for equity: assess a fairness take.

If clients don’t attend to what we say,
then we’ll repeat politely, firm yet warm.
They’ll get that extra service but they’ll pay,
and we’ll be wealthier or they’ll reform.
If capital is carrot, more and less,
then let’s employ it to reduce our stress.

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Delightenment

imagesCA83IVMY

We had two power outages last week. That’s always inconvenient: like jury duty or a head cold. Even though it was still light out, I was impressed by how dependent I am on electricity. Especially when playoffs are being televised…

The first occasion was on Tuesday. Suddenly the TV went dark and the microwave lost its time display. It took little time to ascertain that it wasn’t just my place. Power flickered back on, off, and then on again, long enough that I reset the microwave clock and rebooted the computer. Then we went dark once more. I put in the call to PG&E, heard the computer-voice drone one syllable at a time: “All available repair persons are on site and we expect power to be restored by 8:45 PM.”

It didn’t take that long. The TV came to life in half the estimated time. My internet search didn’t yield a report, let alone a cause.

It happened again two days later, twenty minutes before the game started. No game AND no dinner? I wasn’t happy when I called the PG&E line and got a three hour repair estimate.

I told myself I’m resilient. My phone was charged and my Kindle has its own light. As for hunger, I could walk fifteen minutes and acquire a burrito. Heck, maybe I’d even stop in a bar/restaurant, have a glass, watch their TV.

That’s when I found out how extensive the outage was. No traffic lights in our little shopping zone. Temporarily closed shops or open doors to dark stores. No burrito available.

Ten thousand customers were affected, I learned later. Most likely a problem with an underground cable. Another symptom of what happens when a society neglects its infrastructure for half a century.

I’m resilient. I plopped into my big chair and started reading. I nodded out and enjoyed a couple of semi-dreams. When the TV indicated an end to the outage, the first half of the game was almost over, but it turned out that the second half was the part to watch anyway.

Two minutes before the game ended, there was a knock at my door. I could see through the window that it was my crazy neighbor Bertilda. I would have ignored her but she could see me too. Maybe I should have ignored her because her words revealed she wasn’t noticing much.

“Do you have lights?” It was more of a snarl than a question. My lamps were on and the TV was loud, visible and audible from the doorway.

“Yes.”

“You have lights? They came back on? Mine didn’t come back on.”

“Yeah. I have lights. Bertilda, I want to watch the game.” I turned away from her as I shut the door. That sounds rude but she didn’t mind. That’s a thing I’ve noticed about people with cognitive/psychological issues. You can interrupt an ADD (ADHD) person with impunity. You can be quietly rude to a boor and have her not notice.

Bertilda is the crazy neighbor no one wants. She’s 84 but that’s no excuse. I’ve talked to folks who have lived around here as long as she has (over 25 years) and they say she’s always been a bitch. At her best, she acts sweet in an insincere fashion that attracts nobody. At medium level she pontificates against any rule-breaking she witnesses, lecturing residents about recycling, parking locations, and pet care. At her worst she screams obscenities and slaps people. She’s short and thin and no physical threat to anyone, but her persona is toxic and disturbing. In the last few years she has begun to lose her memory while insisting that everyone else is misremembering. There’s some dementia, obviously.

She’s not my problem. She’s everyone’s problem. She has no friends, no spouse, no children. She’s from Germany and, as far as we can tell, her siblings were relieved to see the last of her. They never visit and haven’t responded to our (emailed) calls for help. She’s burned every bridge she ever crossed.

And now she’s losing whatever function she used to have. She has stopped bathing, laundering, cooking. She doesn’t comb her hair or wear a bra. The few times any of us have been able to experience the interior of her condo/apartment, we’ve seen a hoard of junk mail and condiments, and breathed musty staleness.

Every two months or so, PG&E shuts off her power. In the past, neighbor Jerry has been the one to brave her verbal abuse, call the utility and protect their employee from her background curses while arranging payment, and then acquire reimbursement from her. Bertilda fell for a financial scam a year ago, and lost about $150,000. Since then she doesn’t trust her bank. She keeps a wad of hundred dollar bills in her apartment.

Jerry is a close neighbor but he’s not responsible for Bertilda. He and my friend Anne occupy the other two units in Bertilda’s three-owner condominium arrangement. They are my next door neighbors. We and the folks on the other side and two households across the street have all talked to Adult Protective Services about Bertilda this year. We’ve learned that’s our only recourse. We’ve weathered the bureaucratic delays. At this point, Bertilda has been served a summons to appear in Superior Court, soon. The expected outcome is a court-ordered conservatorship, followed by extraction from her condo and the ultimate sale of her real estate to generate funds for her future support.

Through our interactions with APS, we’ve learned that utilities aren’t Bertilda’s only problem. Her car isn’t registered (the sticker on her plate reads 2013). Her license isn’t valid. We have no reason to believe that she pays taxes or has insurance. She does no maintenance on her place and sabotages any attempt Anne and Jerry make to take care of the common areas of their property.

But I digress. Back to the other night…

After the game ended, I called Anne. Sure enough, Bertilda had knocked on her door and on Jerry’s before she wandered over to mine. Both of them also had lights blazing and TV on when she asked if they had power. This time Jerry followed the APS caseworker’s advice and didn’t call PG&E.

We called the caseworker instead. We’re sharing this project and it was my turn. I left an explicit voicemail message. It was a mild night and we all figured Bertilda could go one evening without electricity.

Ms Gonzalez returned the call the next morning. Her first suggestion was for one of us to advance the money and get the power back on. “But you recommended that we refrain from helping her,” I said. She replied, “But that was before. Now that we’re so close to the court date, we’ll soon have the matter in hand and be able to reimburse you.”

It was hard for me to refuse, but I did so. Quietly and feeling some guilt, I told Ms Gonzalez that I just couldn’t interact with Bertilda that way. “What about another neighbor?” she said. “APS really doesn’t have the authority right now.”

“I’m sorry,” I told her, “but she injured Anne the last time Anne tried to help” (the occasion was when Anne was shooing Bertilda out of her garden and Bertilda fell into a drought-resistant puff of clump grass. Anne sprained a finger trying to get flailing Bertilda upright, and she still can’t make a proper fist). “Even Jerry says Bertilda has now exhausted her emotional credit with him.” (In addition to being one of the nicest guys on the planet, Jerry had a half-baked notion that Bertilda might bequeath her condo to him, but lately Bertilda tends to forget who Jerry is. And what are the odds that she has written a will?)

Ms Gonzalez was at a loss for what to do. She said she couldn’t leave the office but she’d try to get someone out to help. I told her if anyone could go a few days without power, it was Bertilda.

“But I hate to see that,” she commented. “I mean, think of the food in her fridge.”

“She probably doesn’t use her fridge.”

“Or what about TV?”

“She doesn’t have a TV.”

“Still,” she said. “I’ll make some calls.”

I left the house a few hours later. As I traversed my brick path to the sidewalk, I noticed a clean-cut youngish man standing at the bottom of the entry stairs next door. He carried a small laptop and exuded an aura of social work. Then I caught the sound of Bertilda’s voice.

She was leaning out of her window (her unit is upstairs). I heard her querulous tone but didn’t catch the first words.

“Do you have lights?” asked the man.

“No. I don’t have lights,” Bertilda replied in a combination of whine and snarl.

As I walked away, he said “Would you like me to help you get lights?”

Okay, I thought then. That matter is settled for now. The Superior Court will intervene before the next billing cycle ends. But I was wrong.

For the next day I encountered Anne in her yard. Our gardens abut and we often have morning chats while hosing plants or adjusting sprinklers. She told me that Bertilda knocked on her door the night before. She asked if Anne had lights. When Anne mentioned the young man who offered help, Bertilda insisted that no such person had been by. She yelled at Anne for making the suggestion. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” she accused. “You’re so full of shit.” And then, “So why do you have lights when I don’t?”

Anne said each of the condo owners was responsible for paying for their own interior power. She advised Bertilda to call PG&E.

Bertilda said, “Do you have the number?”

Anne said, “No.”

Bertilda blurted, “Bullshit!” and stalked away.

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Doctor R

Steh

I hate to wait in doctor waiting rooms.
I seldom meet a doctor I respect.
The act of even calling one consumes
my inner peace with angst, attacks and wrecks
my calm, converts me to a phobic mess
and makes me stupid. I disdain all drugs
produced by pharma. Yet I must confess
I’m aging now, beset by wear and bugs.

The fact is, Doctor R’s that one in ten
who brings perspective to the room. He knows
life is a series of goodbyes. “No joke,”
he says, his eyes and hands on me again.
“The damage has been done. The problem grows.
The time has come to stop inhaling smoke.”

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