Toss

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I note the cohort’s jettisoning stuff.
The nests are emptying; now many toss
possessions, recognize they’ve had enough,
inhabit smaller residences, cross
from house to condo furnished with support.
And those of us with mental energy
and physical ability report
the act of tossing feels like liberty.

I never owned that much, and ten years back
I winnowed to a minimum. Of late
I gave up sugar. Then I stopped the snacks.
Abandoning the social lies I hate,
I’m almost free – my own disdain won’t pierce
me once I modulate the acting fierce.

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Neurology

Nervous

She’s satisfied about her language skills,
her memory is great, and she observes
her fellows well, for she was schooled in drills
of people-watching by her mom. But “nerves”
she may not understand, she learned today.
She knows she’s nervous like her mother, aunts
and cousins; she assumed it was the way
of Jews, but that was cultural romance.

She really doesn’t know what “nervous” means.
Equating it with mythical Type A,
evaluating others through the screens
of adolescent ego and cliche,
she sees she made assumptions long ago.
She thinks it’s time to take some time to know.

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Annie’s Weekend

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Annie had a full calendar last weekend. Saturday was the baby shower. The mother-to-be is her ex-partner’s niece. Annie hasn’t been with Tony for a decade, but she still considers him  family, especially with his health and money problems. Recently she’s been in touch with his actual relatives about him. So the invitation to the shower was understandable.

On Sunday she promised to be with Shaun. He’s been part of Annie’s life since he was a teenager, back when she worked in the advocacy program for Oakland kids. Now he’s  approaching 30, and Annie is still counseling him about health, work, and money. They see one another regularly. Shaun’s closest friend had a mother in the ICU at Highland, not expected to recover, and Annie agreed to spend the afternoon with Shaun and Lelani at the hospital.

Before the events, she told me she wasn’t looking forward to either. Afterwards she had nothing but positive feelings to report.

She’d had two hesitancies about the shower: its location and her age. The event was in a private home in a small delta community. Annie doesn’t often drive out of the inner bay area, and she’s notorious for getting lost, flustered, and then more lost.

I encouraged her to use the GPS in her car, but she resisted. Then I told her to print out driving directions from the Internet. It turned out she did both. She had no trouble finding the town and the house.

She was correct when she assumed she’d be the only attendee of grandparent age, but it wasn’t a problem. Annie is a vivacious soul. Everyone made her welcome and she got into interacting with the other guests. She adores young adults.

She said the food was good and plentiful, the company was great, and thank goodness they didn’t have to play any games. The only drag in the afternoon occurred when she left. She couldn’t find her car.

She wandered up and down the block before returning to the house. Then she asked, somewhat timidly for her, that one of the men accompany her on the search. She was sure she’d just forgotten where she parked, but if it was something else, like someone taking her car, she didn’t want to be alone.

Immediately she was supported. Three people insisted on going with her. It took them about half an hour to find the car where Annie had left it, and they were with her, cheerful and chatty, every step of the way.

“I tell you,” she concluded when we spoke on the phone Monday. “I felt I belonged there. Like part of the family. It was so warm and wonderful.”

Regarding Sunday, Annie was aboard because she wanted to, as she told me, “be that sort of person.” She wasn’t looking forward to time in the hospital, and the seriousness of the situation was sobering – it was clear to everyone except maybe Lelani that her mother would die within hours – but she was determined to be there for Shaun and his friend.

Her morning-after report was glowing. She said she walked into the room and straight into grateful hugs from the youngsters. In the couple of hours she spent with them, she managed to whisper some words to Lelani that helped Annie when her own mom went. “Oh honey,” she murmured, “you did what you could. You have been a good daughter. It’s okay to let her go. She’s been through enough.”

Annie waxed enthusiastic the next day. “I felt so included,” she said to me. “It was all about family. So right. So real.”

My dear friend is an emotion junkie. She majored in sociology in college, had a career in counseling, and she reads novels about families. She tries to embrace the Italian-ness of Tony’s family, the Latino flavor of much of her Oakland life, and especially the black culture with which she associates. My short blonde friend often reminds me of Ruby, the older black neighbor who provided early childcare for my kids. “Girlfriend,” Annie will call me, or “Child,” she’ll start in with big Shaun. In the last year or so, her public laugh has developed into a full-fledged cackle. I think this is another case of black cultural adoption on her part. I’m tempted to point it out to her – I can tell by the look on other restaurant patron faces that they find it as jarring as I do – but how? That would be worse than trying to clue a friend in on body odor or bad breath: worse because if effective, it would make the friend self-conscious about her own laughter. Not a good idea.

When we spoke on Monday, I was pleased for Annie. She’s retired, financially comfortable, and not busy enough. She’s never had a husband or kids. She’s close to her married sister and has been as involved in her nephews’ lives as a nonresident aunt can be, but the boys no longer live in the area and she doesn’t see her sister more than once a week. We get together about that often, and she sees Shaun every week or so too, but she has many empty hours. She spends more time reading than I can, and based on her casual reports, she’s engaged in a file organization project that has gone on for a couple of years now.

I was pleased to hear about her weekend. I know how she thrives in an ethnic group, and she got to experience powerful moments with two types in two days. She can live on that stimulation for a while.

While Annie was busy in new venues among emotional young adults, I was home alone. I had a quiet two days. And savored them. I like time at home in general, but last weekend was doubly precious because I’d been away the previous one, visiting my daughter, her husband, her three boys, their dog. I’d had lots of love and a bad mattress, warm hugs and boring food. I’d returned to a little crisis in the office from which I’m trying to retire, which meant I had to spend three partial days there instead of my customary one. I was pleased to have quiet days at home, without conversation, underwear, or shoes.

After our Monday phone call, I still had time to think. I’d be heading back to the office the next day, and I told Annie I’d help her fetch things on Wednesday for the Thursday funeral (Lelani’s mother passed away five hours after the Sunday hospital visit), but I had Monday to myself. It was when I walked to the market and back that I hosted the critical thoughts.

It seemed to me that Annie is too much of a spectator. She loves watching sports on TV, she acts like she’s a member of the team, and she never plays. Then it occurred to me that she’s like a life spectator too; not acquiring spouse or kids or career or even a hobby of her own, but acting, with her assertive almost draconian opinions about relationships and work and child-rearing, like she’s a primary participant. I was critical at first, and then sorry for her, and finally I started wondering what, if anything, I could say or do to entice her into action.

At which point, I stopped walking and started laughing. I looked around and noted I was on one of the prettiest streets of my route. I realized that I was reviewing my friend’s weekend, from a distance, preparing to write about it. I was about to describe a woman who was experiencing emotional life second-hand, but where was I? Yet more removed. The fact is, Annie left her house, interacted, embraced, conversed, laughed. All I did was think.

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Google Analytics

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I hesitate to look at what I’ve wrought.
I want to count my readers and I don’t.
To understand how many viewed and caught
my drift: okay. But then I worry: won’t
too few depress me, and too many force
me into light when I prefer the shade?
I’m brave and I can face this truth of course,
but I might slow if I know what I’ve made.

The link to Google Analytics waits
for my command, and I don’t execute.
I claim to want good data – now the gates
appear and just as suddenly I’m mute
and motionless, exposed and feeling shy,
my fingers up and covering one eye.

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Pail Content

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I saw my house beneath as we increased
our altitude, between hotel and field.
Mt. Shasta ruled the picture for at least
a fifth the flight, and when our arc was ceiled,
we bellied down and I began to slow;
my rate of living ratcheted three clicks.
A pulse reduced becomes impulse, I know,
now I’m relaxed enough to want to list
the things I’d like to do before I die.
I’m gliding to consider what regret
I will avoid and what I want to try
while I’ve a thread to ravel. I forget
what used to move me, but I think I can
discern a dream and no, it’s not a man.

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Without Agenda

slinkies

From 5 to 20 I was on a tear
to raise myself to power and control.
And then for decades I provided care
to family and clients: juggled role
and split attention, multi-tasking years.
I had to itemize or come apart.
Of course I bore agendas then – like gears
my labors synchronized or fell athwart.

But now I live alone and don’t commute.
There’s relatively little on my plate.
I’ve time to follow clues in my pursuit
of facts about nutrition and the fate
of progeny. Without a list in hand
I’m easy, and your wish is my command.

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Science Sucker

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I laughed at Dr. Atkins and I scoffed
at Weston Price; I rolled my eyes when friends
described their fasts. I held my facts aloft
from theirs: with logic trained, dismissing trends,
explaining the control of calories,
I advocated breakfast; I’d reserve
some room each evening for selected sweets;
I tried repeatedly what didn’t serve.

I never should have listened! All along
I only wanted food from noon till night.
In following my taste for greens and seeds,
I would have been more vigorous and strong.
My infant instincts would have done me right,
but I believed corrupted science feeds.

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Well Shut My Mouth

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As far back as I can remember, I haven’t wanted to eat breakfast in the morning. My lack of appetite drove Mom nuts. She and Dad kept telling me breakfast was the most important meal of the day, while she tried hot and cold cereals on me, jelly omelets, raw egg milkshakes (sweetened with Nestle Quik or Hershey syrup). She bought the Instant Breakfast packages when they appeared on store shelves, and later on frozen waffles and flavored yogurt. Nothing worked.

I liked pancakes, waffles, French toast. But not in the morning. I didn’t disagree with what my parents said – I believed an early breakfast was important, I bought the idea that it goosed one’s metabolism, I understood that skinny people and successful dieters ate breakfast – and I tried, countless times, to make food part of my morning routine. But it never took. I’m 67 years old, and I still don’t get hungry until I’ve been awake at least three hours.

I’ve had most of my lifetime to come up with reasons for avoiding breakfast. First to my parents: they harped on me as long as I lived with them, and afterwards made critical comments when I had kids (who did eat in the morning, but not because I cooked anything for them). Even as a grownup, it’s been awkward when I travel; I am never in the mood for the ubiquitous American Sunday brunch. As I took to telling friends after the inevitable sequence of “You don’t eat breakfast? You should eat breakfast,” I’m like a big cat. Eating makes me sleepy. I hunt best when I’m hungry. Really: my natural pattern is to eat no breakfast, take in a light lunch, and then chow down for dinner and after dinner. Really.

Recently I learned that there’s nothing wrong with my natural appetite pattern. I’ve been engaging in intermittent fasting. That turns out to be good.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Two years ago, I read a book that showed me I’d been thoroughly misinformed about nutrition all my life. It was exciting. I like to learn, and reading Teicholz’s The Big Fat Surprise made me feel like a child at a guru’s knee: my mind was wiped of all it knew before and was clean and ready to be furnished with information.

So began a cascade of reading and of diet modification. It’s been an incredible twenty-two months. I know much more than when I started, and I’m eager to acquire additional understanding. Incidentally, and it almost is incidental although it’s wanted and appreciated, I now weigh thirty pounds less.

My purpose in typing this is to describe my experience. My qualifications to compose this are scant. I have no schooling in the subject. I hold no degrees in any scientific field. I have never been employed in the health or diet industry.

But I was educated in science and math. I was a lab assistant to my high school chemistry teacher and I tutored a college co-ed in chemistry at the same time. At home and in school, I learned to use scientific method to answer questions. My accidental career involves applying algebra. I just happened to become so fascinated with photosynthesis in high school that I committed the basic formula to memory. I was also into genetics and memorized the components and structure of DNA. These two idiosyncracies, as well as early exposure to Rachel Carson and Darwin, led me to view life through a rational, skeptical, organic lens. It happened that my eighth grade science project involved playing tic-tac-toe with a “system” that learned not to lose; so I had hands-on experience with how “designed” an unplanned outcome can appear, after a sufficient number of rounds where only the winner gets to play the next set.

In addition to the qualifications listed in the above paragraph, I became a mini-adult at age five (traumatic hospital experience), and I have a good memory. I can draw on 62 years of experience in which to frame the ideas I’m about to describe.

Finally, when my best friend and former college roommate was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes in 1985, we fell naturally into our old student roles: she focused on the emotional aspects of living with an autoimmune condition, and I read the science. I still have the Biermann and Toohey books; I still belong to the American Diabetes Association. Without intention, I have acquired an understanding of blood sugar metabolism and the basics of some endocrinology.

———————————————————————————————————————————–

I started dieting in 1964. I was 14. I must have been ovulating, because my diary indicates I finally got my first period two weeks after starting my first diet. Connection?

I acquired a pocket book of calories. I may still have that mini-book somewhere in my shelves. I didn’t ask my mother for advice on how to lose weight; I was a scientist so I went about it rationally. I understood that weight meant an excess of calories in or an insufficiency of calories out. After all, a calorie is a calorie. I tried to limit my intake to 1,000 a day (hard to do: lean burger patties and water-sauteed veggies). I became adept at estimating calories. I added some calisthenics. And I steadily gained weight.

I continued to acquire information. I came to understand that the dietary problem is fat. I embraced heart-healthy carbs and reduced- or low-fat products. I was still eating meat then, but I discarded poultry skins and avoided fat. The only part of eggs I liked were the yolks, so I cut eggs from my diet.

I read Covert Bailey’s books. He made sense to me. His comments about exercise are still good, but his dietary ideas were as dry and unattractive as his skin tone in the author photo. This was when my kids were young; poor things, who had to put up with all those fruit-juice-flavored “dessert” experiments, and the trauma of spaghetti squash.

Want some numbers? I’m about 5’6″ in height (or was, till I started shrinking) and as a young woman I weighed 140 to 150 and longed to see a number below 130. By my thirties (after having the kids), my range was 150 to 180. I managed to get the number down to around 140 in 2006, but that was after a year of holding the calorie line, exercising daily, and dealing with a herniated disk that put me on three months of oxycodone which was a very effective appetite suppressor for me. Yes I lost weight, but my diet was still sugary and starchy. I reserved calories for my evening gourmet cookie or chocolate. I enjoyed my new look and I maintained it for almost a year, but then the regain started. It wasn’t much – looking back, just an average of three to four pounds a year, just a little shift in range, you know? – but that meant I was back up to 170 in mid-2015.

When I forsook sugar.

I must have been ready for it, because it wasn’t difficult. I was prepared for a couple of weeks of adjustment, but after a few days of loose shit, I normalized. I was reading Fat Chance by Lustig then, soon to start Yudkin’s Pure, White & Deadly. Both books are inspiring and acted as spurs in my flight from sucrose.

The three books already mentioned, plus anything by Gary Taubes, Jason Fung, and Amy Berger, are great resources, and their authors do a much better job of the subject than I can here. So I’ll make a long story short.

Teicholz convinced me that I can’t trust the party line of American nutrition about what’s good and bad. Fat, salt, and cholesterol have gotten bad raps. But near the end of her book, while wondering what the culprit is, I started to see it. Not exactly sugar. Insulin. I had a head start. I’d been involved with insulin, academically anyway, since Lisa started using it in 1985. I’d been reading “Forecast” (the magazine of the American Diabetes Association) while the reports from the DCCT came in. I didn’t closely study it, but I knew the DCCT was the best and longest study into what causes complications from diabetes. I remembered that there was a correlation between the amount of insulin injected and the incidence of complications. Along the way, I came to understand that insulin is a powerful hormone, associated with (among other things) depression and suicidal ideation.

So I gave up added sugar, but my real focus was an attempt to keep my serum insulin levels as low as possible (that and to give my digestion no shortcuts: no smoothies or juices or other predigested nutrients, lots of nuts and seeds and dirt).

Within two weeks of ditching sugar, I started to lose my appetite for flour products. The open-faced egg salad sandwich was tasty, but what I enjoyed was the egg salad and not the bread. Pasta started tasting mushy to me. So did mashed potatoes, rice, even crackers. Except for the occasional burrito and some pizza once or twice a month, I moved away from bread products. Except for excellent cheesecake, I lost my desire for desserts.

Weight came off, but not fast. I dropped five pounds in the first four days, and then another five during the three months I ran my sugar-free experiment. A ten pound loss in three months is not impressive. 160.

At the end of the three months, it was easy to decide to continue. I wasn’t missing sugar or the ten pounds. I felt stronger. Looking at my log, I see it took another almost six months to drop another five pounds. I weighed 155 in late March 2016. And another six months for the next five (150 in September). The next five came off by early November but then there was bobbling around: that 145 went back up to 150 by March 2017 and then has been sliding down to 140 since.

Wait! (Weight?) That’s like ten pounds in the last two months. Looking closer, I see 143 in mid-February, and 142 in late March, so that 150 was a temporary pop. The trend has been steadily downward, and it seems to be increasing lately, because I’m focusing on (living without) snacks.

After the books I’ve listed above, I read Big Fat Lies by Gillespie, and Grain Brain by Perlmutter. Both good, but not as informative as what came before and what soon followed: Why We Are Fat and Good Calories Bad Calories, by Taubes, The Alzheimer’s Antidote by Berger, The Obesity Code by Fung, and now Taubes’s The Case Against Sugar.

Learning has progressed. The zinger came at the end of the Fung book. As he says, we pay all this attention to what we eat, but not to when. He made me realize that our species evolved to cycle between fed and fasting states. After we eat, we devote a lot of energy to digestion. When we are not digesting, that energy is spent in maintenance, disposal, upkeep, growth. We should not snack. If possible, I should limit my hours of eating so I extend my overnight fasting. Maybe I should try longer fasts. Now that I’m off sugar, I don’t get ravenous. I experience hunger, but it’s not obnoxious or urgent. I’m sure I could now go a day without food and not get the headache or chills I used to experience when I tried Yom Kippur.

So my game plan is to keep my insulin levels as low as possible. Insulin makes me feel hungry and store fat. I will keep my blood sugar from surging and calling on that insulin, by avoiding sugar, refined carbohydrates, and processed foods. But blood sugar only has some effect on insulin levels. I will also manage stress by continuing to exercise daily. I will respect circadian rhythms by trying to get good sleep when it’s dark outside. I will give my body plenty of unfed times, between meals and from dinner to when I break the next day’s fast.

Taubes says tooth decay is the first sign of high sugar and the first clue about insulin resistance. Wow. When Mom took me to the dentist for the first time, I had cavities. I think I was eight and the fillings were five, but it’s possible I’m reversing those numbers. Even two cavities would have been noteworthy.

I remember dreams about candy when I was little. A visit to my friend’s grandparent’s newsstand, where she and I got to eat whatever candy we wanted, was like a jaunt to heaven. I must have started then on the road to insulin resistance and metabolic derangement. Probably only the exercise modulated the bad effects: that and my fortuitous tendency to skip breakfast. I had blood work done last December. I specifically asked for the glycosylated hemoglobin (A1c) test. I expected to test at the low end of normal. Not so. I didn’t get the number result in the doctor’s phone message, but “a little high, but not worthy of any action” was a surprise. I shake my head to imagine what it would be if I hadn’t changed my diet.

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Remembering a Jewish Children’s Story

history books

Young Abraham discovered God by thought.
His father made stone idols, and that day
a godless woman visited and bought
an idol to replace one ripped away
from her abode by robbers overnight.
“But how can God be stolen?” wondered Abe.
“The sun must be the real Lord, making light.
But wait! the moon succeeds the sun and may
command, yet either can be dimmed by cloud,
and wind can vanquish cloud, we often see…”
And then the boy stopped reasoning aloud,
and gazed from roof into epiphany.

(So I’ve named calories or fat as sin,
but evil’s bred by chronic insulin.)

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Chaff

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A radar countermeasure from before
I drew a breath, a noun that makes me laugh –
is what I think of when you bring me more
minute details – it’s like you scattered chaff
around – my mental air is shot with shot;
the forest is obscured by leaves and limbs.
My search for resolution is forgot
as concepts metamorphose into whims.

Like colored ribbons tied to cherry trees,
like twists of soda cans released to read
the heart of hurricane, cacophonies
that swamp ideas and nits of thought succeed
in making mental murk for me: a cloud
of lousy chaos, and I shout aloud.

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