I’ve heard the bird for weeks but haven’t seen its size and shape, its flight or coloring. I googled corvid calls – I played umpteen recordings, but don’t recognize this thing. Today I got a glimpse of white-edged wing in glide above the garden, with that squawk I can’t identify. Not menacing, but suddenly I’m guessing it’s a hawk.
An aging tabby in the house next door extends herself on couchback every day, to soak in sunshine warming tan velour. My daughter’s senior dog now has a way of napping where the furnace warms the floor, as if the spot’s his private heat array. I understand. I’ve gotten old enough that I like they seek body-warming stuff.
I early chose refusal to a role that mis-portrayed the person in my soul. I recollect resisting Mom’s conceits, rejecting school and synagogue entreats, combating tries to channel or cajole.
They erred, and I was forced to take control. I knew if being loved was any goal, I had to be myself, in falls and feats. I early chose.
And when advised to fake it (like a mole in mask who’d sneak-collect approval whole), from cousin counsels and best friend repeats, I didn’t bite – I needed other eats. I couldn’t value love I’d know I stole. I early chose.
I like to think I’m agile, but I’m old. I walk a lot. I exercise three ways. But after new exertion, truth be told, my muscles ache, demand a healing phase, and then I’m fresh-astonished. Yesterday’s acquaintance with a baby made me sore! It’s not bad news – I suffer no malaise – it’s from a hundred hunkers to the floor.
The leaf and leak patrols are out in force. I hear the power mowers, and I see the EBMUD driver, in his truck of course, on cell phone while awaiting company. Surmising leaks they seek to find the source; our soaring bills denote a mystery. The residents are diligent and good. We’re dry and wasting in this neighborhood.
I’m looking for a water leak, but I don’t have the keys. I’m urging other folks to speak, by email, writing “please.” But I of five am still alone – the others won’t afford the time to work on their own home – as always, my reward for competence and energy and time is more to do, and fodder for this rhyme.
The squirrels spiral-argue up the tree, and tearing bark they chitter-bark back down. A giant redwood is their armory, and eucalyptus forms their battleground. Now crowds of crows send raucous caws around, while seagulls croon and chickens mutter-cluck, and chainsaws fill the air with power sound, invading idyll afternoons by truck.
About to modify my week’s routine, about to leave my nest to board a plane, I hover like a hummingbird between two blossoms that will fuel me as they drain my introverted energy. The strain of leaving sanctuary is the price I’ll pay for love and sweet return. I’ll gain more good than pain, and get to come home twice.
I save the best for last when I’m alone. That may be evidence my toddler needs were not well met. I’m old. I have no bone to pick with folks no longer here or well, but if I could, I’d take the fattest scone the platter holds, the richest treat I see. I’m solo here and years beyond full-grown, in charge of ordering my list of deeds. I’ll exercise before I write this poem.
I dabbled in Old Norse at 22, which meant I got Icelandic history. I learned that when a culture’s in demise, when petty kings are facing bitter change, they’re driven to record what’s ending then, with words and pictures or revolting ways.
When England turned away from rural ways, toward industry and fenced enclosure too, its writers penned romantic novels then; its artists painted dying history. Such seems a fit reaction to the change that signifies a cultural demise.
White male supremacy is in demise. The trends are vectoring to other ways. We sense for 50 years the winds of change; we feel perspective modifying, too. The contours of our future history have twisted möbius-like, from what was then.
The 60s let us see it coming then. Not even experts dared foretell demise, but some of us decanted history. We contemplated the rambunctious ways of typical Americans – all too impulsive to consider how we change.
The predecessors of our climate change, the air pollution that we measured then, the toxins and the global traffic too, all formed the roux that based today’s demise. Full loudly leaders went their wonted ways and cooked the books, repeating history.
It’s too late now to turn the history we’re all about to write. We cannot change the courses set and stuck in senate ways. Who gave us wheel and ordered fire then, were never special. Faced with their demise, we’re set for ruckus, and for pyre too.
We see their failing ways, and history will write them too far down, who couldn’t change the flash and flail, and then came their demise.