When I was maybe 5 or 6, my mother caught me playing with myself. I was sitting on the floor in the livingroom, behind a plush maroon easy chair, pants down and fingers busy.

She told me not to do that. She doesn’t remember the incident. I do.

I didn’t exactly listen to her. Not only did I not stop the activity, but I began talking about it to selected friends, teaching what I knew. But I learned to take it to the privacy of my room or the bathroom.

It’s just a matter of time before you hear the dog joke. Somebody will ask in your hearing: “You know why a dog licks his balls?” and that person or someone else will answer: “Because he can!” Haw haw haw.

What they won’t mention is that a dog can’t touch his genitals. Check it out. They are very good at scratching their ears and necks. They can even do that scrape-the-ribs maneuver while standing on three legs. But there’s no way a dog can place his paw on his balls.

People are different than dogs. When a person stands normally, his or her hands happen to fall right where the genitals are. It would be unnatural not to scratch there.

Of course it’s okay. It’s your body to care for and enjoy. But to quote my mother (not about this!), there’s a time and a place for everything.

Go to the bathroom and close the door. Or to your bedroom if you can achieve privacy there. Self love doesn’t involve anyone else.

And as long as you’re learning where it’s okay to masturbate (ugly word, huh?), you may as well apply the lesson to other masturbatory activities.

When you feel like throwing something because you’re frustrated in a petty way, take it to your room. If you want to wax nostalgic about how good things used to be, about when it was safe to leave doors unlocked or how dreadful it is that language is evolving, do it in private. And if you feel the desire to draw or paint or write impulsively – to just throw down what enters you and gaze upon output that looks nothing like you intended – well that’s okay to do in private too. Just be sure to polish, refine, and edit before you show it to your friends.