Of Don & Paula (1 of 3)

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She isn’t a Luddite, but Paula didn’t start using email till 1998. She’d been a pen-and-ink type of writer (she used a fountain pen because she didn’t want to press hard, and she held the cap in her left hand when she wrote, in case there was any ink inside the cap that could smear the nib). But after she acquired her first word processing computer in 1980, she began typing so much that the 8th grade lessons flowered within her. For a clerk-typist who only managed 47 words a minute when she took her first job in 1975, Paula blossomed into a touch-typist who could work the machine faster than she could write.

When she finally got into email (Eudora program), she liked it. She sent greetings to the half dozen friends who were already into it, and everyone replied. Soon she was involved in a daily correspondence with her old acquaintance Don. He lived in Austin, she in Berkeley, and neither was much into the phone for personal interchange; email was an easy way to chat.

They’d met three years earlier. She doesn’t remember how he got her contact information, but Don was then selling oil&gas investments, and he’d been calling her with limited partnership opportunities, now and then. They both gave good phone (their mutual aversion to the medium was not based on lack of skill but on overuse during work hours), and they developed a conversational relationship that included news, amusement, a little flirting, and mutual respect.

There was humor between them from the first call, and chemistry soon after. Don is a tall handsome personable man. He has always liked women and flirted well, and he has succeeded with a variety of them. He was a little old for the summer-of-love (born in 1942, he can’t claim to be a boomer), but he was still associating with his old college buddies and living near campus till 28; he was active and into the era between free love and the advent of AIDs. In 1970 he made the cross-country pilgrimage to the left coast, traveling with four friends and hooking up with a dozen more in Berkeley. He peddled flowers and balloons, drove a cab, and fucked women (friends and fares), knocked one up and married her, sired a few more offspring on her and then had to move the wife and kids out of state, to make money and preserve the growing family. His wife was almost as bent as he – she tolerated and sometimes encouraged his sexual adventures, she managed to never earn money herself, and she changed her name to Rain, formally.

Paula was not like Don and, except for the fact that his taste was so broad, she wasn’t his type either. He found almost every woman lovely, but he was attracted to long blonde hair and long slim legs. Paula is about five and a half feet tall but tips the scales at 160 when she is “good.” She has dark hair that curls becomingly with the right products and humidity, but often frizzes out in the coastal air. Her legs are strong and too sturdy to be described as slim.

They met about a year after the first telephone calls, about a month after Paula finally agreed to invest in one of Don’s deals. He made a trip to the Bay Area, partly to see potential prospects like Paula but mostly to visit buddies from the good old days. Paula will never forget walking from her office to the reception area and getting a first look at him. He was taller than she expected, dark-haired, large-featured: very much her physical type. She felt a strong attraction. Their eyes met and it seemed he shared the feeling. She hadn’t then learned that any guy that good-looking and personable was easy with attraction.

They had lunch that day, before he flew back to Texas. That’s when she first heard his personal history. That’s when she learned that his marriage was pretty much over; he just didn’t have enough money to split up with Rain. He told Paula how each of them had a separate wing in the house where they raised their kids and still lived. He said they led separate lives.

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Desperation

spelunking

I’m out of step – I walk today in pain.
My neck’s a starboard ache, but nothing much
compared to what I carry to the train:
a load of rage and rue too deep to touch.
For I can rub my neck or rest my knee,
and I can ice a sprain or wrap a sore,
but I cannot massage this injury
and I can’t cast protection against more.

The candle flickers till I trim its wick.
The lantern sputters till I give it fuel.
Affection falters, and the heart once quick
is slogging in an atmosphere of cruel
confusion and exasperation’s trap,
spelunking in this murk without a map.

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Morning Birds After Rain

hummer

The visions of this morning put to words,
in vain attempt to memorize the scene,
is all about the presence of the birds:
a hummingbird that matches fuschia’s green
and darting hovers dancing in the air,
and then a fair of seven matching crows,
a gathering once notable and rare.

Perhaps Tiresias its import knows,
but I am only witness to the sight,
as yet unversed in omens, dreams and signs.
I am but a walker in the light
that morning after storming sideways shines
and slips and probes and penetrates the gray,
in movement like a hummingbird today.

(This one was published in the August edition of Cyclamens & Swords)

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Exchange (End)

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

Miss Lubov that day was like a little bit of sphere poking through my plane of freshman existence. I was so limited I ought only to have been able to see a set of growing circles but somehow, through her passion and some sort of grace, I actually got to glimpse the shape of something bigger than I’d ever known before.

She said she’d keep my journal for awhile. Maybe I was supposed to visit her that summer. I almost remember where she lived. But we lost touch. I didn’t think it a bad trade to let her have my little journal in exchange for that big chunk of perspective. Even if she wasn’t right I’m glad I got to hear it. I didn’t see her after that. But I didn’t forget her.

Now there she was, three full years later. Those years for me, from age 18 to 21, were outstandingly full and long, years when a three-month relationship seemed permanent, when more events were packed into a season than a middle-aged I can collect in a decade. For Eleanor Lubov Carter they were rich but not frantic. She seemed even wiser.

We were delighted to see each other. I’m sorry, Gail (wherever you are), but I don’t recall her paying you any attention. Perhaps I left and she stayed on and made it up to you? I don’t remember anything after the reading.

We sat on the floor drinking wine and smiling into each others’ faces. I think her husband may have been in the room; I have a vague impression of a short man talking to the guys in the corner by the window. I can recollect Gail perched on the arm of the upholstered brown chair, Jean in the seat of it, Susan leaning over the back. I remember seeing the circular water stain on the hardwood floor, noting the absence of the big Boston fern that stood there for two years. Then Mrs. Carter offered to give me a Tarot reading and I stopped seeing anything else in the room.

“You won’t get it together to write till you’re 40.” That’s what she said to me. I know there was a lot more, although nothing else was as specific.

I was 21 at the time. I wanted to write. I wanted to disregard what she was saying. I didn’t believe in the Tarot anyway. I liked the way the cards looked but I was a rationalist.

“Listen to me,” she said with a serious gray look. “You will write. Of course you can do it before then. But the cards say that only after you are 40 will you really get it together. Hey: you’re going to get it together.”

I remember little else about that evening. Again my journal was mentioned. She still had it. I was invited by to get it. Given another address.

I never went. As far as I know, she still has the old journal. I continue to consider it a fair trade for the strange illumination she brought into my life.

I gave up my ovaries to the surgeon’s knife when I was 35. This body doesn’t know hormonal cycles any more. I suspended my attempts at loving partnership when I was 39. I’d found I wasn’t good at it, and didn’t enjoy it, and no longer needed it. Then I started to write.

This time with perspective. Now with authority. Not a bad bargain.

I wouldn’t be surprised to encounter Eleanor Lubov Carter again. Although the years are less eventful now they proceed with increasing pace. She ought to be by any day.

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Exchange (Middle)

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

I heard about Gail from Susan that year more often than from Gail herself, and Mrs. Carter was mentioned every time. I was motivated to meet the woman by the time of the term-end party. I picked up Susan and we arrived with salad greens at six.

There weren’t many people yet and the place was half packed-up, so it looked relatively cavernous. We greeted the few and got to work helping Gail in the kitchen. Jean looked lovely as usual in the face and hideous as usual in the knobby fat-free body. She was too weak to stand and of course not interested in food, so she sat at the table with a white mug of steaming water between her thin hands, talking to us about law school. We all knew she’d have to make a long stop at a hospital before any more school, but no one said anything about that.

I lost interest in the conversation and gazed at the plants on the windowsill above the sink. One jade, one pothos, one crooked little cactus. I fed them water off my fingertips, and the drops silvered in the oblique light of sunset. I tuned into the talk again when they switched to the whispered subject of female orgasm. Susan was trying to make a point but the others talked over her, drowning her out in friendly fashion, unwilling to hear anything about sex from the one among us who returned from her first night with a guy acting wretched, desperate to bathe, counting the 36 hours she understood it would take for all the nasty sperm in her to die. That’s what I think was happening when the doorbell rang and someone opened it. Gail breathed the name Carter. I turned and looked at the woman. And dropped the salad greens all over the sink.

“Miss Lubov,” I stated.

She said “Angela” back.

I began to stammer something. She smiled widening her whole face and came toward me with both hands extended.

I don’t recall our exact words. The next I remember we were sitting face-to-face on the floor, still smiling at one another, drinking red wine, catching up. Her eyes were large and gray. Her hair was thick and streaky.

I had taken comp lit from her my freshman year. She left the university at the end of that term, took some time off, taught back east, married, traveled slowly with her husband back to the west coast, and returned just in time to mesmerize Gail.

That comp lit course had been an experience for me. Determined not to read or write any criticism, I arranged with Miss Lubov that I would maintain a serious journal, with a minimum of four real entries a week. Of course it turned out that I worked harder on the journal than anyone in the class did on the assigned tasks, much harder than I would have worked if I’d been cooperative, and I knew that, but I didn’t mind. I was having too good a time with Yeats’s phases-of-the-moon cycle, as I toyed with the talkings of Robartes and Aherne, made poems, and dreamed in foreign languages. I was at my dormitory desk late into every night, sitting at the end of it I’d shoved into the closet for any kind of privacy from my hyperbolic hysterical West Virginian roommate, absorbing the underground music from my KLH table radio while I wrote and dealt solitaire and wrote some more.

I handed my journal to Miss Lubov at the end of the course, when all the other students turned in their take-home essay finals, and I showed up like all the others at my appointed time for a 15 minute oral final, expecting to get my journal back. It turned out to be a day of exploded expectations.

I knocked on her wire-glassed wood-framed door and when she said “Come in,” I saw that the student ahead of me was running over his time. Apparently Miss Lubov had gotten off-schedule. I excused myself and began to back out of the room, but she stopped me and repeated, “Come in.

“Really. Join us,” she said with a smile, and she pointed to a sonnet by Dylan Thomas and asked me for a sight interpretation. I said something satisfactory – I remember she grinned at me and the other student nodded – and we three chatted about the poem. Then she dismissed the student ahead of me and asked him to shut the door on his way out.

She had me take his chair. She turned to me. By then my 15 minutes were up and the next student knocked on the door and began to enter the room before Miss Lubov spoke. “Excuse me, Michael,” she said to the tall blonde guy in the doorway, “but I’m running a little late. Please take a chair in the hall.” He retreated. He closed the door.

She looked at me and smiled wider. “So tell me,” she asked as she leaned forward a little. “Why do you write like a man?”

I know my answer wasn’t elegant, because I was stunned by the question. No one had ever asked me that before. I hadn’t thought it. I stammered out something about all my literary role models being male. Which was true.

She countered with a luminous speech about the benefits of being female and an artist. She told me that when a male artist is in love he is conflicted. He must either make his art or make his love; he cannot do both. But a woman, Miss Lubov told me confessionally, a woman can love and create. She can milk her cycle, as it were, and use the play of emotional responses that comes naturally as a result of her changing hormone levels: here’s how it seems when I’m lusty, when I’m sad, when I’m cozy, when I’m mad, when I’m edgy, when I’m soft.

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Exchange (Beginning)

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

It was one of those end-of-college parties. Potluck clean-out-the-fridge fare, with a congenial group of graduating seniors. Gail and Jean were giving up their northside apartment, and with a little help they put together spaghetti and salad and garlic bread for those of us who were still around.

I knew them, but not as well as my old friend did. Susan had gone through the experimental two-year Abbot program with Gail, and she and Jean knew one another from high school. I had the kind of chattery acquaintance that comes of sharing an occasional Benzedrine-stoked all-nighter before language finals, or a spontaneous day (I could remember two with Gail) of shopping and weird eating.

I wasn’t particularly eager to party with them, but I had nothing else to do that Thursday night, and I was curious about Mrs. Carter. She reportedly had a profound effect on Gail. Susan told me Mrs. Carter became something of a mentor when Gail took her comparative literature course, and in everyone’s opinion Gail, normally strong-willed, was too much under the influence of her charismatic professor.

“Influence to do what?” I remember asking Susan when I first heard the story. We were walking across campus on crunchy leaves, so it had to be that last autumn. Susan would have been wearing pressed trousers – she always did – and her black hair would shine to her shoulders.

“Oh, nothing corrupt,” she answered. “It’s just that Gail is always quoting her and following her advice and – I don’t know – almost managed by her.” She looked away from me, for traffic, as we crossed the street on the west side of campus. “It’s eerie to watch Gail act as some sort of acolyte. It’s not in her nature.”

That sounded true. Gail was very intelligent, of strong opinions, quick to judge and slow to embarrass. She was the kind of person who marched to her own tempo, out of step with most others but not jarring. Her father was a noted Jewish neurosurgeon in Tulsa; the family had to be resilient to flourish there, and she and her brothers had to be organized and effective to be heard in that family. Gail was quick, expressive, and learned languages easily. She was plump and her roommate Jean was anorexic; we knew she had to be pretty durable to deal with that. (Jean at her nadir dined on a thinly-sliced quarter cucumber garnished with three fresh peas, and felt full. Her knees were the biggest part of her legs. She had to be carried to finals.) And I knew Gail was capable of orchestrating a four-hour non-stop walking binge. By careful sequencing of salt, sweet, and fat, she had shown me twice how to spend a whole afternoon walking from treat to treat, talking around ice cream and french fries, jelly beans and Triscuits.

I remember looking at Susan that day and marveling at her description of Gail in thrall. She walked with her usual fast but disconnected gait, like she was severed at the neck and her head had no idea of her body. Susan can’t ride a bike. She can’t dance. She’s the most cerebral person I’ve ever met. She’s a dark-haired Swede, raised Lutheran but inclusively religious. I think she would have been a nun except she was born into the wrong tradition. She has always honored tradition.

I used to think Susan should be blonde. Gail brunette. Jean fat. But life didn’t play the way I thought. None of us could ever have guessed it would be Susan who had the most kids, or that Gail would birth triplets. All of us were completely astounded when beautiful Jean, cured and fleshed at last, announced that she was gay.

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Destiny

The_Triumph_of_Death,_or_The_Three_Fates

I know my parents gave their chromosomes
to generate the person I became.
They set me up with nourishment, good homes,
and gave me education and a name.
They merged another several times of course,
for I’ve had younger siblings most my life.
They let us have two dogs but not a horse.
They raised me up to work and be a wife.

And I, rebellious since the age of 5,
was like a hero fated from the start.
For though I’ve chosen freely, I insist,
reviewing what I’ve been at while alive:
I’ve married twice, borne children of my heart,
and pushed the numbers till I killed my wrist.

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Observational Trial

An antsy liberal of 23
resolved that she’d continue growth and thought.
She hunted what she called integrity
and it appears she got more than she sought.
Her husband claimed he had a different goal;
“I like me now,” he said, “and I won’t change.
I want to smoke and dance and laugh my whole
remaining time.” And don’t you think it strange,
provocative, and evident that now,
a score of years away from their intents,
when we begin to view the which and how
of those two disparate experiments,
we see consistency in all her strife,
and he who stayed the same has wasted life.

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Diagnosis

Diagnosis1

I’m healthy and resilient as a rule
so I have trouble knowing I’m unwell.
Along with feeling ill I’m like a fool
confused by lassitude – I cannot tell
how serious or real my symptoms are.
Hallucination must be contact lenses,
and clammy sweat’s from walking fast and far.
A fever can explode these vain defenses,
or some severe and serious condition;
the sort that we describe as truly dire,
that needs no argument or inquisition,
will make me seek the treatment I require.
A child charged with laziness and feints
of illness can’t assess her own complaints.

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Portals (Part 3 of 3)

doorways

Peter thought Lilah was going to go camping with him over spring break. For the last three years they’d gone together to Death Valley, and they’d been planning to do it again. The wilderness is the arena of Peter’s competence. He and Lilah had their best times away from population. But as the time for their trip grew closer, so did Lilah’s feeling that she shouldn’t go. She realized that right then Peter couldn’t appear competent to her. If she went with him she would fight with him. She told him so: “I can’t go with you now. If I go I’ll argue with you. You should go with Saul instead. You two can have some meaningful time together.”

Peter’s attempt to persuade her to just-go-and-not-argue was brief even for him. So he asked Saul and a day later he had his son’s reply. Lilah was first surprised that he offered the trip as an invitation, and then she was surprised at herself for being surprised. Saul’s answer: “Gee, Dad…sounds great. Love to camp with you sometime, but that’s not a convenient week. It’s spring break, you know? A lot of my friends go to school, and their parents won’t let them party on school nights. So break is my opportunity to get together with them…And since I’m not going to school, you and I can camp just about any time. So I’ll take a rain check, okay?”

That wasn’t the end of it. Lilah isn’t sure how it came about, because she saw less and less of Peter, but it turned out that Saul and Peter did go to Death Valley for three of the nine days of break. Peter reported the trip to her with some satisfaction. They’d had some good hikes and some talks. Saul agreed to try school again; this time in Berkeley. The high point of the trip was the night they camped at the end of a canyon. They had a good fire and Peter shared a bottle of Moutai with Saul. Moutai is 106 proof alcohol made from wheat, sorghum and water. They probably drank 375 ml. Saul was then 13½.

Lilah and Peter last saw each other a few weeks afterward, and last spoke a month after that, when Peter returned from another Portals weekend and sought more clarity. Lilah’s disrespect for him had finally reached a level even he could not ignore, and he turned quietly away. She was careful not to summon him back. She had decided not to call Social Services; she thought they would be disruptive at best. She had tried to be heard every way she could. She didn’t want to stay around any longer and watch.

She was friendly but careful during their final phone call. She said she was sorry that Saul found middle school so frightening, but she was glad that Peter and Saul had “made a commitment to get him educated.” She listened when Peter told her how much he would prefer it if Saul went to a private high school, but Saul wanted independent studies at Berkeley High. That would be an odd choice for a freshman, Lilah thought, but she didn’t even understand how the boy could go to high school without completing eighth grade. She thanked Peter for the call. Four months passed before she heard of him again.

That’s not to say she didn’t think of him. Scarcely a day passed without her thanking Whomever for getting Peter out of her life. She saw him in his pickup truck at least six times but he never noticed her, which was typical of his inattention. Once she even called him, to relay a message left on her machine. It was from someone begging off a Portals program, so she knew he was still doing that. And when she called the phone was answered by Zeke, so she figured he and Valerie still lived there. Zeke told her Peter wasn’t home, offered to take a message, and said “you got it” in response to her words, but she knew Peter wouldn’t get it. She chuckled a bit at Peter the Portals recruiter, who set up a telephone message system where the caller is deceived into thinking he has communicated.

She even thought of him at back-to-school night. She wondered for a moment if Saul could be enrolled there, and she looked around the auditorium for Peter as the opening speech ended. There was a crowd, but she figured she’d see him if he were there. She didn’t see him. He wasn’t there.

The preliminary address that night, before the parents started the circuit of classrooms, was about the hideous coincidence of three student deaths in the few weeks since school had begun. Two kids were killed in car accidents. One student at east campus was stabbed to death. The principal talked about how deeply the faculty and administration were affected, and how readily social and mental health services were available. The audience was quiet. The deaths were unrelated, and the school certainly wasn’t to blame, but the loss of any youngster is a devastation.

On Friday evening Lilah’s son greeted her with solemn news. That morning they’d had the death of a fourth student reported to them. A freshman taking independent studies. He had been missing four days before his body was found, floating face down in the marina. His name was Saul something.

“Sam,” Lilah began, “do you think it could be Peter’s son?”

Sam’s face crumpled with concern. “I thought there was something familiar about this. And there’s a weird message from Mary.”

Lilah went downstairs and pressed the white button. The answering machine whirred and played the voice of Sam’s old therapist. “This is for Lilah and Sam. Hi you guys. It’s Mary. I just heard some disturbing news and I thought about you. I hope you’re doing okay. If you want to talk, call me.”

The next morning’s newspaper had details. It was Peter’s Saul. He never came home from the Saturday midnight movie. His body was discovered Wednesday morning by a woman rower, but it wasn’t identified until Thursday, when Peter filed a Missing Person report. The police said there were no signs of foul play.

Peter is miserable right now. He’s almost immobilized with guilt. But his is a quick mind and a resilient nature. It won’t be very long at all before Peter has reinterpreted events so that he isn’t responsible for any of them.

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