Necessary Sadness

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Grief starts
almost like heartburn
creeping up in me
with uneasy tightness
till I pause to determine
the cause of disquiet.

Something is missing
and the fact that I removed it
or that removal is best
does not repair the emptiness.

Time will mend me
and while it unwinds
I’ll mine this mood for poetry,
explore this mine for mood,
invert this mind to spill
a balm of wisdom
on a healing wound.

Time moves
daily more swiftly
pushing me ahead
forever relentless
but I catch looking backwards
the patterns in its wake.

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Retirement Living (An Amoral Fable)

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Goofus and Gallant are old now. They each had a different idea of when middle-age began and where the transition to old age would be, but by the time they were 64 they had to agree they were no longer young.

Gallant was always more in touch with mainstream notions. He’d bought into the over-the-hill-at-40 birthday gear; he knew he crossed the middle line a quarter century ago. But it didn’t occur to him that he was at least a senior citizen, until he started looking into Medicare enrollment.

Goofus was relatively clueless. He missed marking his 40s or 50s as aging decades; it wasn’t until he began picking up bruises from he knew not where, and hanging onto them for weeks, that his own age clobbered him. “I don’t know when I attained actual adulthood,” he said to his wife, “but if I’d entered kindergarten at 50 I’d be a year past high school now. I’m old.”

The men were still in relatively good health. Gallant’s blood pressure was controlled with pills he’d been taking for decades, and his MD recently added statins to his daily dose. Gallant took two prescriptions and a dozen supplements. Goofus’s infirmities were all normal wear of bones and ligaments and tendons. As his doctor told him, “Your problems are mechanical.” Goofus stretched and iced. He sometimes took NSAIDs and he always enjoyed narcotics when he could get pills from friends. He maintained that vi- and oxy-codone didn’t relieve his pain, but they made it not obnoxious: interesting even.

They were in good enough health, in good enough marriages, with sufficient resources to face the next leg of their lives without desperation. Gallant was ready to retire. Goofus wanted to keep a hand in business but also wanted more time. He figured he might have another quarter century of productive effort in him; he wondered if he could decide on a whole new interest, now.

The thing they agreed about, regarding the next phase, were their plans to change residences. Their nests were empty and each had acquired the desire to reduce his number of possessions. Their houses were paid for and the real estate market favored sellers. They cleaned up their homes, tolerated the stagers, and soon found themselves landless and with ready cash.

So they looked around. Neither wanted to leave the area, but each wanted a smaller residence, something to share with spouse and with room enough for an occasional guest, but without extras like formal dining or living room or extensive gardens, and with medical facilities on hand or nearby.

It wasn’t hard for Gallant to find options. He and his wife toured four different retirement communities before agreeing on Lodge Estates. They decided that condo community was just about perfect for them. It housed 200 families and had a mini-hospital in its basement, next to the parking garage. Gallant liked that, and he also wanted to own his home; most of the other retirement situations he saw were rentals. The minimum entry age was 55, so the place wasn’t noisy or chaotic. And his wife liked all the cultural events; Lodge Estates ran movies and exercise classes and even bingo games, but it also bused residents to symphony, ballet, opera, speakers’ series. Gallant noted all the empty wine bottles in the recycle bins downstairs; he figured those were the best indication that the Estates would be homey for him.

They bought a 2-bedroom, 2-bath unit, and they adapted rather quickly to Lodge life. They so enjoyed the dining room that they rarely used their kitchen. Within a few months, their social life was almost exclusively contained in the complex.

Goofus didn’t find what he wanted when he looked. Quiet wasn’t the first priority for him and his wife. He figured he wasn’t seeking an actual retirement situation, and he became convinced of that when he visited Gallant. He thought Lodge Estates was attractive, in a sterile kind of way (all the halls were uniform, and what he saw of the unit interiors looked the same to him, except for the amount of possessions each contained), and that weirded him a bit. It was too organized. Too same. And while he didn’t argue with Gallant when his old friend asserted that most of the residents were fit and active, there was no avoiding the conclusion that Lodge Estates was clearly a last stop before the final decline. In a place filled with retirees, most of the table conversations were about end-stage illness. Regularly an ambulance pulled into the sweeping curved entrance and transported a resident to the real hospital, down the hill, and less than half of those transported ever made it back to the Estates.

“I don’t want to live in a ghetto,” Goofus declared then. “I don’t care how upscale it is; if it’s all old folks or all disabled or all Christian or all historians…I don’t care what the group is, but it isn’t enough for me. I want variety. I want a little noise.”

He and his wife spent nearly a year looking before they found a situation that suited them. From their temporary flat they explored all the area had to offer in small residences: condo developments, co-ops, apartments, and even cottages. Finally they bought into a 30-unit corner of quasi-cohousing (there was a big common dining area but most residents used their private kitchens). It wasn’t perfect but they liked the location, the size (big enough for diversity but small enough to know everyone), and the cooperative, car-independent atmosphere. But the price tag was high (except for a couple of required “affordable” units), so the residents tended to be oldish and the families small.

Goofus and his wife were happy in Swann Village. But the search triggered some ideas that led them to their next big project. They decided to spend their energy trying to create the housing situation that they’d been unable to find.

As they described it in their mission statement, American culture had taken a strange turn after WWII. That’s when suburbs were created. The American Dream was then embellished with the goal of a detached home for every family. Housing was built that featured sprawling ranch styles and cul-de-sacs. Communities were formed that facilitated car travel. Front porches gave way to fully-fenced private back yards. The old extended family, housed in a big residence or spread out in a small neighborhood, splintered and went its separate ways and acquired closets and garages and formal rooms that were rarely used.

Goofus and his wife weren’t trying for backwards. But they wanted to create places where folks would naturally congregate and relate to one another, and enrich each other with their differences. They wanted to mix kids with old people, disabled individuals with those not (yet) disabled, to allow communities to develop that would include wealthy and poor.

They haven’t been able to build yet, but they’re hopeful about the next decade. They have refined their ideas and collected some support. They figure their ideal development will house 35 families. Living units should range in size and price, to attract the diversity they seek. They understand that they have to go beyond required accessibility rules and make every unit visitable by any shaped body, and that’s made them learn about universal design. They call it “smart insides;” as they know, it’s not about ugly ramps or handrails – it’s about building right the first time, so you don’t have to tear apart to accommodate variety.

Now Goofus has a new career. He figures his attempts to offer a different type of retirement living will keep him busy for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, he’s fairly content in his new small home.

And Gallant likes his. He appreciates the Lodge facilities and he loves the order and quiet. But he understands Goofus’s choice. He and Goofus agree that it should be a matter of choice. Both have gotten old enough that each knows more than he ever thought he would about what’s true, and less than he ever thought he would about what’s right.

“Funny,” Goofus said to his oldest friend just last week, “how you have to be almost done with living before you learn to live and let live.”

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Paint Chip Haiku

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My friend Mara did some consulting for a real estate remediation project a couple of years ago. A Sherwin Williams store had been one of the first settlers, and that company was supportive when it came to preserving and protecting the underlying Native American shellmound. As a way to decorate the surrounding wall/fence while the work was being done, they figured they’d make haiku out of Sherwin Williams paint colors and affix them to the fence. Mara asked for some verse. She referred me to the “visualizer” part of the Sherwin Williams website. She told me how to do a color search for any word.

It was more fun than refrigerator magnets. I was charmed when I noted that one of the few haiku I’d ever written (posted March 8, 2011) contained two paint colors (wisteria and morning sun):

wisteria blooms
pilloried between fence slats
face the morning sun

It was selected and affixed to the fence.

Also selected was this (using intimate white, wickerwork, and rainwashed):

intimate white left
to age on old wickerwork
in rainwashed comfort

And my favorite (fireworks, still water, distance, salute, and dark night):

fireworks over
still water in the distance
salute the dark night

The project is done now and the fence is no longer there. But I have a pdf of Mara’s report, and it includes pictures of the postings. I’m sorry to say “in” was left out of the last line of the “intimate white” verse. Yeesh. Everyone can count to 17. But so it goes.

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A Little Bliss

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Seduced by lazy images, I wrap
a U of heated cloves around my neck,
empillow me in bed to make my lap
a lumpy surface for a book, and trek
into my favorite sleepy fantasy:
a rescued noblewoman swathed in down;
supine within a sled or sidecar, she
is bound in comfort and a flannel gown.

Console and solace me for all the work.
Embrace myself and soak my muscles sore
from walking hard and fast, my brain berserk
with my beloved stress. There is no chore
or project loud enough to make me miss
the ecstasy of respite, after this.

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Humility

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I recollect her birthday very well
and his, six years more close in memory,
is that much vivider – both visions tell
of little people who came out of me.
And I recall the business I’d begun
now more than thirty years ago. Before the eyes
of memory, the movies reel and run
but still the living proofs are a surprise.

Accomplishments acknowledged yet astound
me with their substance and diversity.
And so when I review the poems I’ve penned,
and see a perfect rhyme or a profound
idea well put, I wonder how from me
such pithy thought and wisdom could descend.

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Automatic Riding (End)

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Sandy became an actuary because he wanted to understand life/himself. Some folks follow a religious path, others are more comfortable with philosophy, and a few try the circuitous avenue of psychology, but Sandy was one of the rare ones who used the constructs of mathematics. He’d been a tall thin geeky boy, attracted to numbers and science, insecure around sports. There was some structure for him in Synanon and the successor groups, sure, but not nearly enough. He found perspective in statistics; he figured he’d always be able to interpret surveys and never be manipulated. Sandy understands how to expect certain results, provided a group is large enough, and he knows he isn’t acting as expected now.

He doesn’t get off the train at Civic Center. He may not go to work today. Young Karen will wonder where he is. So will Shelly.

He doesn’t detrain but a large group of commuters does. Seats are freed; it’s Sandy’s luck that his pair takes the bench across the aisle from him. His luck and also positioning; apparently the young couple appreciate the relative privacy of the back seat as much as Sandy does.

He tries to look as if he’s not watching them. He gazes out the train window and reads the destination sign. “Richmond.” It never mattered to him before where the train was going to end up; he just rides from Daly City to Civic Center, and all SF trains do that route. “Richmond,” Sandy thinks, as the train pulls into Powell Street Station and loses even more passengers.

The couple are now cuddling. He doesn’t want to look directly at them, but his peripheral vision tells him they’re very close together and moving a little. He would be able to watch if he had his sunglasses on, but there’s no reason to wear shades while the train’s underground. It won’t surface until it has crossed the bay.

He sneaks a peek at Montgomery Street Station. They’re kissing. Deeply kissing, and the young woman appears to be sitting on her boyfriend’s lap. Sandy can’t tell for sure, because her Raiders jacket is draped over them. His mind reels.

He envisions young Karen sitting like that on him, and he knows what would be going on under a jacket. Then he returns to himself. No way. Sandy believes it’s okay to think anything, but he guards his actions. He would no more grope a woman in public than he’d grope himself. Right now. Under the Chronicle. Or after the train leaves Embarcadero Station, almost empty, when he can watch them in the reflection of his window. No way.

He imagines nastiness with Karen, and he feels for a moment young again. He uses his window as a mirror to watch the young man obviously fingering his girlfriend squirming on his urgent lap, and Sandy for a dozen heartbeats feels as horny as a 19 year old.

In the four and a half minutes under the bay he snatches a number of window glances and screens a few ideas. At first as he watches the young couple nibble on each other’s face he wants a young face close for his own stimulation. He knows Karen has agreed to a Portals weekend, and he’s sure that if he’s there for the conclusion, opportunities for spontaneous intimacy will arise. He considers enrolling. At the transbay tube’s lowest depth he realizes with a rush that he isn’t lusting for sex but for his own damn irrecoverable youth. That would sound corny in the light of day but plays all right in the tube, under fluorescent light, when the only other play is a young couple trying to have actual and athletic intercourse under a Raiders jacket.

As the train pulls into West Oakland Station Sandy acknowledges that he never acts on his fantasies, that he has always been a faithful husband. He wonders if his middle-aged lust is actually nostalgia for vigor.

He who doesn’t think often in words begins an open prayer for his baby-boomer generation. “Let us age without delusion,” he intones in his head as the train arrows underground again, curving toward downtown Oakland. “Oh we’ve gotten nothing else right; let us grow old and be wise.”

He’s about to continue with his odd prayer when a cellphone rings. It belongs to one of the sexy couple, and its electronic tone is an all-around mood breaker. As the train slows into City Center Station, Sandy decides to get off and out. He wanders at first in the direction of the lake. He feels a little displaced. A little old. Then he falls into step behind a 20-something woman with a bouncing streaky blonde ponytail. He gazes at her melon-slice ass as he feels, walking young again.

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Automatic Riding (Middle)

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He’s brought back to his commute by the ring of a nearby cellphone. As common as they are, neither Sandy nor his fellows are inured to them; he watches as several neighboring passengers join him in locating the instrument and paying discreet attention to the conversation. It’s a miniature black device pulled out of the suit pocket of a youngish white guy. As usual the conversation doesn’t sound important. As usual, the first question the passenger answers is where he is (“we’re just coming into Balboa Park now”), the next one is his ETA at some appointment, and the rest of the conversation is low fidelity blather. It’s obvious to everyone overhearing it that the call, like most cellphone calls, like most telephone calls in general, is unnecessary. But that way lies grumpiness. Sandy can feel himself becoming curmudgeonly. He decides to stay young. Think about sex instead.

He considers Karen. He sees her a hundred times a day at work. What is she: 24? She’d have to have at least a couple of years of graduate work to be where she is in the Service but that plump face looks 17… Some things he’d like to do with that face…

He has always admired young women. He was almost nine years old when the next door neighbor had a daughter, and Sandy was besotted with Tracy from birth. Her coltish friends started coming around as he entered full puberty. His earliest fantasies included visions of infant girls being handled a little brusquely on pediatric examining tables. As his libido developed his imagination was peopled with the angular limbs of growing girls.

When he met his wife she was young. They’ve known each other 15 years now – been married for nine – so Phyllis at first was 21. Looked younger, with her freckled pale skin, high breasts, flat belly. He practically ate her freckles back then: he was so into her. But that was in the Ridgecrest commune days, long ago and far from now. Phyllis matured in some undesirable way shortly after he married her, and since James’s birth… well, she’s become so maternal she’s practically bovine. Who’d have thought those firm breasts could grow so pendulous, so fast? That belly so pillowy?

Sandy realizes his thoughts have grown negative again as the train pulls into the 24th Street Station. He looks around and locates a mood elevator. Getting on the train, dressed inappropriately. Short skirt, cropped tank top under a baggy hooded Raiders jacket. Acres of smooth leg between those lace-up clunky boots and the black Lycra. Oh yes. A silver belly button ring in golden flesh. Sandy imagines taking that ring in his teeth – galvanic thrill in his fillings – cupping that ass… and remembers himself rockhard embarrassed behind his physics book, yearning unstoppable in his old Corvair, prevailing now and then, with skinny Gretchen and with his brother’s friend Claire. No finesse but an amazing amount of vigor. Youth is wasted on the young.

Sandy’s interest is at first dampened when he realizes the girl is with her boyfriend. Anyway, a guy gets on the train with her, and Sandy assumes he’s her boyfriend. Assumes any male would be. Yeah: her boyfriend. They can’t find seats but they’re standing in the aisle by Sandy, and the guy’s right up against her back with his hand on her hip. They’re very much a couple; she’s leaning into his hand in an unmistakable way now…

By the time they get to 16th Street, Sandy thinks he’s not going to get off the train at Civic Center. He’s having a strange day. He’s very interested in a young couple that is very interested in each other. He’s feeling not normal and he’s liking it.

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Automatic Riding (Beginning)

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He looks 30 but he’s really 49. He has dirty thoughts all the time; they keep him young.

He is 6’2″ and in good shape. He still has hair, and its dark blonde shade hides the gray rather well. His skin is tan and relatively unlined. His face is big and well-featured, and he doesn’t sag.

His name is Sandy.

He was the oldest child of the three his parents bore, and he was always bored with his parents. His mother was petulant and pretty; his father was pompous. Sandy left home for college and didn’t return for any but the most obligatory occasions. Aversion motivates him to earn enough so that he never has to sleep in his parents’ house again.

He works as an actuary for the Internal Revenue Service, and he lives with his wife Phyllis and one-plus children in Daly City, California. Phyllis is 36. They have a two-year old son named James, and Phyllis is seven months pregnant with their second child. Because she is over 35 and they have good health insurance she has had amniocentesis, but Sandy and Phyllis declined to learn the gender of their unborn babe.

Sandy wants a second son. He’s unfamiliar with girl-children, he claims. He says he wants an all-boy nuclear family like the one he left. He had a conversation with his friend Shelly about it.

“I don’t know anything about raising a girl, Shel,” he said.

“Don’t be silly,” she countered. “Girls are born adorable. They’ve been selectively bred for it; the ones who couldn’t charm their daddies tended to get left for the wolves. You’re guaranteed to love your daughter.”

“But you don’t understand. I was a teenage boy once. I won’t be able to handle it when my daughter…”

”Don’t give me that shit,” Shelly derided. “Yeah. You were a teenage boy once. Good with computers and everything, too. Now just think back to being that teenage boy.” Her face softened. “You’re in a car with a girl you like. You’ve just parked somewhere secluded and dark. Tell me: who’s in control of the situation?”

“Well, the girl of course.” Sandy said it automatically, and then Shelly just gazed at him, chin down, lower lip jutting out a little. Sandy grinned and figured he probably looked a way he’d read about but rarely seen: sheepish.

“So what’s that about?” Shelly asked. “Why do so many guys give this line about wanting to protect their daughters from the teenage boys that neither they nor their peers ever were??”

“I guess maybe we old guys are having thoughts about young women? Attributing those thoughts, dirty thoughts, to the teenage boys, who had the thoughts, oh yes indeed, but never in a million years would have acted on them?”

“I guess.”

“I doubt it’s that simple.” Sandy’s head was feeling a bit twisted.

“I’m sure it’s not simple. But I think there’s something to this. After all, we don’t use the expression: dirty young man.”

Shelly’s words resonate in Sandy’s brain now, riding BART from what used to be the end of the San Francisco line. Sandy vowed for his 48th birthday that he wouldn’t lie to himself any more, and he knows Shelly nailed him. He won’t deny it: he is a dirty old man. He looks around the crowded train car and counts five young women standing in his vicinity, no raving beauties but none with a deformity or even too much fat. Five firm midriffs, five high asses. Imagining peach breasts his hands curve and he stiffens beneath the Chronicle on his lap. Sandy almost feels young again. No way does his body act like this around Phyllis.

His vow about self-honesty came about as a way of settling a hassle with Shelly. She had then fallen into some EST-like program called Portals, and she was pestering everyone in the office about it. Her attempts to recruit Sandy were particularly obvious and very tiresome to him. He’d been too often on the other end of it.

Sandy has an addictive personality but he was clean when he joined Synanon. He discovered the organization when he was in ninth grade; a social studies term paper led him to it. He was fascinated by the people and the program. From the junkies he learned a certain loose way of sitting at a table, leg crossed on his knee, drinking milky sugared coffee and smoking Marlboros. From the drunks he adopted the cadence: “That’s STUpid.” There was something about the rigor and alienation of the program that distracted him from the depressive boredom of his suburban family life. Woke him up. Made him try to recruit his younger brothers. Made him ignore them when his proselytizing failed.

He stayed with Synanon for about five years, then graduated to some cult-like groups of Gurdjieffiens and splinters that vectored off that curve, until six years ago, when he fell out of the last group and not into another. But Sandy knows the drill. He’s been a participant in engineered group catharses; he understands the attraction. He refused to go with Shelly to the Portals program, even for a weekend, but he had to negotiate a peace by asserting his revelations and intentions about self-honesty.

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Commuting (1994)

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The legend reads Tear Up Your Monthly Pass,
above the photo of an Oldsmobile,
in tones of black and blue and windshield glass
within a frame of BART train stainless steel.

Is this an oxymoron for the minds
of half-awake commuters? Is this view
subliminal in stress? Or are these kinds
of desperate grabs for any revenue?

Aurora is the title for this car
that someone thought to pitch upon a train.
A business paid to advertise on mass
transit, so I’m slapped with words that jar:
A poster with preposterous refrain –
The legend reads Tear Up Your Monthly Pass.

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Yolo & Milvia

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I plant my feet upon the asphalt ground
and aim my focus to the west, below
the sloping street, as if I would be found
a decade hence a statue. Standing so
I’m memorizing everything I feel:
the gentle cooling breeze against my face;
the silence and the balance in my heels;
the pain that isn’t present in this place.

I’ve passed the spot a hundred times or more,
the dog beside me relishing a smell,
but never have I understood before
the way it seems as if there were a spell
surrounding and protecting this address,
supporting silence with a soft caress.

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