School (Part 2 of 3)

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School provided me with two goods: diversity and filtering. There I met liars, athletes, brainiacs, idiots, philosophers and bigots, poor losers and good Samaritans, bullies and sycophants. All of that diversity created an environment in which I learned how to filter and make judgments. I would have learned without school. But I’m pretty sure I would have wasted more time at it than I lost in classrooms.

As I have already confessed, I was a disruptive student. In junior high, when they graded us in scholarship and citizenship, I scored straight As in subjects and never above a C in attitude. I was the only girl regularly removed from classrooms. I spent time with other disruptors. And most of those boys did not do well at school.

I encountered one of those bad boys in my mid-40s and had a relationship with him for a few years. Richard was very intelligent, not bad looking, purportedly adult, and remarkably childish in his attitudes toward school and petty rules. The man could fascinate when he spoke about geology or astronomy; the boy would frustrate when he carped about the evils of school or tried to teach his sons to jaywalk or stick their used gum under a diner table. He was hyperactive and impulsive, never played team sports, excelled at bridge and ping pong, and was the cockiest poorest winner I’ve ever known. He’d been in and out of cults all his adult life. He was an acolyte looking for a guru.

After we stopped associating with one another he became clearer to me. His peculiarities made sense if I just viewed him as 14 instead of 44. He had this boyish way of showing off for me. He was an ace at baiting and teasing. I think of him now and “nyah nyah” rings in my head, even though he never said that.

Nowadays he’d be diagnosed with some personality disorder. At the least he’d be situated on the autistic spectrum. Even he knows he has attention deficit disorder, although I’ve heard him say there’s really no “disorder” to it. He asked the folks at Kaiser and they said, “yes, you have it, but you’re functioning fine, so you don’t need to be treated.” (No he wasn’t functioning fine; he deliberately limited appointments lest he forget to go to them, and he prophylactically arranged to have his work managed by another so he didn’t have to deal with clients.) They told him there were some ADHD support groups but they weren’t too successful because the members kept forgetting to attend the meetings (I’m not making this up).

Richard had a stint in the Army when he was 20. He interrupted college and served for a couple of years. He never left the base. He didn’t see combat. He didn’t advance. The only thing he told me about the experience was this: the Army is where he first encountered people of average intelligence. Richard was raised by a university professor and an educated mother; he’d never till then associated with IQs around 100. He said it was astounding. He reported spending time with guys who couldn’t reason, or solve problems. These men were friendly though. Richard liked them.

The rest of us met average-intelligence people in school. Even if a student took college-prep classes, there was always PE and Social Living. There was always more diversity in school than anywhere else.

I think Richard had a disability that public education didn’t accommodate. I know he was transferred to a private school when he was 14, and things improved. I look at the trajectory of his life since then and see no movement. It’s like he got stuck there, in the place where school worked briefly, and his subsequent experience was etched by adolescent attitude and an enduring contempt for regular school. I understand that he never flourished. I disagree that it was school’s fault.

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School (Part 1 of 3)

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I once got sued by an asshole client. He claimed that I damaged him, but that was because he was nabbed in a crooked financial transaction and wanted someone, anyone but him, to pay for it. Swear to God: he accused me of getting him into precisely the deal I advised him to avoid. His argument was that my recommendation was not effective; if it had been, he would have followed it.

He sued me and also the two jerks who sold him on the transaction. They were slimy. They didn’t have insurance. They didn’t know any good lawyers. In taking care of myself, I was forced to take care of them.

It was satisfying to get the case dismissed (with prejudice, and that’s when I found out how lovely the word “prejudice” can be), but it was yucky to have to rescue the bad guys. There was karmic justice later – both slimewads went bankrupt and otherwise failed, and the plaintiff ended up serving time for defrauding Delta Dental – but it was quite a lesson for me to learn that sometimes one is forced into an alliance, defensive probably, with an enemy.

In similar fashion, I lately find myself attempting to defend our school system. More than once in my history, and recently from my own niece, I’ve associated with an individual who so despises and disdains school that I feel compelled to speak up for it.

Sure school is fucked, but that doesn’t mean we should fuck school. Instead we need to desanctify it, like we should the military (thanks for your service), the institution of marriage, commercial Christmas. Let’s look at it clearly, and fix it.

The word comes from the Greek “sko-lay,” which means “leisure.” Of course: no one has time to go to school if life demands labor instead. The very idea of school is civilized, and requires that priorities be ordered to create time for students to learn. School is considered a basic right in this country, but it is categorically a privilege. It should be good.

Free education is supposed to create a learned electorate. The idea makes perfect sense; isn’t it time we tried to achieve it?

For the observable fact is that school as it has existed in my lifetime, on the East and West coasts of the USA, hasn’t worked. Those few of us who acquired education did it in spite of the boredom, silliness, and standardization of those long days, weeks, months, in classrooms.

Sure I’ve read the essays by the anti-schoolists. Yes I know American education was modeled on the Prussian approach, to create compliant conformists. But I also understand the bell curve; there isn’t a system even conceivable that would produce a population of extraordinary individuals. The simple fact is that school – good or bad – isn’t all that powerful. It can’t begin to compete with the influence of peers.

I don’t think you could have had it better, with regard to public school, than I did. The years were 1955 to 1967, and the places were Long Island, the San Diego area, and finally Marin County. I was bright and disruptive; I received special attention at both ends of the teaching spectrum. I skipped from third grade to fourth in early 1959, so I was separately tested then and also in seventh grade, when skipping was again proposed but my parents vetoed it.

I took all the fast-track classes. I obeyed my father and stuck with math and science even after I’d fulfilled the requirements for graduation. I sailed straight into Cal with honors. And I was so often bored.

I was always eager to get back to school in the fall. The summer was long and aimless, and its freedom from deadlines and schoolwork paled before the middle of July. But I grew exasperated at how dull school was, by November.

By and large the teachers were mediocre. Several times they were mean and jealous to the extent of being evil. I was inspired by my second grade teacher, the jewel I enjoyed for fifth grade, one social studies instructor in junior high, and a pair of high school teachers (math and history) who together would make an excellent man. But that’s it. Four or five brilliants in a field of about seventy.

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In the same way that my mother’s insistence on a too-early bedtime inspired me to develop sleep “scripts” that I use even now, to put me under when that’s preferable to staying awake, so the boredom of school encouraged me to find ways to self-stimulate. There’s no question that public school is a Darwinian experience; the stronger survive to the next class, and the survival game in turn hones strength.

No, I didn’t hate school. It wasn’t powerful enough to hate, or painful enough to provoke. But every now and then I consider returning to study something, and I just can’t go there. My negative response feels visceral. I got through it. I’ll never go back.

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Weirdo

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A crisis of identity it’s not.
She knows herself as well as one can ask.
The issue seems to be that she forgot
to blinker her responses with a mask
of socialized sobriety and dull
prescribed behavior. Sure we follow rules
of indirection, coolness, banal null
avoidance, insincerity: the tools
of normal muted social intercourse.
But she offends the world with honest phrase,
commits communication, and may force
by heat or shock a glowing spark to blaze.
It’s probable that she is well-adjusted,
and that’s enough to make her be mistrusted.

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Truespeech

language

I almost always mean the words I say,
and very rarely speak them to an ear
that pays attention. “How are you today?”
I’ll answer with the facts. See I’m sincere
and courteous and truthful and direct,
but most the time that isn’t understood.
It’s missed, or if it’s noted it’s suspect
(how likely is it she can be that good?)

So usually my tongue is in my cheek –
my words rebound to tickle only me.
The almost-mythic locutors I seek
are rare as touching possibility.
(But sometimes careful language finds an ear
and then these observations disappear).

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Near Ms (3 of 3)

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All in all, he had been attracted to her but comfortable with no action. Until the prospect came of making her up. In the week between booking the appointments and her noon arrival that Saturday, he started having explicit, exciting, and disturbing ideas about nasty sex with Pamela.

After the rowing machine that big morning, Brian moved to the bike, the weight room, and a quick tour of the Nautilus equipment, but his mind wasn’t on his workout. He thought about a dark red tint on Pamela’s hair, burgundy tones on lips and nails, greens and coppers around that face. He worked out in a state of near arousal.

Pamela was on time and of course they started with the massage. Each took awhile relaxing into it, she because of her excitement about her possible evening after the makeover and he because he was kneading the skin and muscles of the woman he was about to spend hours adorning. Pamela even commented that his hands felt warmer than usual. He spent extra time on her neck, and she melted becomingly.

After the massage came the facial. Then he applied color to her hair, which cool sensation she found enchanting, and while the dye sat on her head, Brian gave her feet and hands his professional attention.

By the time he’d shampooed her, trimmed her hair, and styled it, Pamela was feeling good. Her body was relaxed, her hands and feet felt light and smooth and slim, and she began to like the look of her face. Her hair tumbled about in big, rich curls; she loved it. She then watched Brian apply foundation, color, powder, and all manner of balms around her eyes, and it was like seeing someone airbrush a photograph: the flaws just disappeared.

She looked gorgeous even before she put on the green velvet gown and cape. After she dressed she was spectacular. Even she could see it. Then Brian decided the cape was a bit too long. Most people would have let it go, but he was fastidious about those things. He had a ticket to the reception so he’d be there, and he wanted her to be perfect. He insisted that they take the time to alter the cape, and he provided someone to do it: a college student who was studying costume design, and who was going to the same event that evening.

There’s no telling what might have happened if Pamela hadn’t stopped to have the cape shortened. She might have gone on to a fabulous evening and then a life with Brian. But as it was she spent an hour with a young seamstress. As it was, the seamstress was Ted’s daughter Beth. As it was, Ted moved in fast when he saw the made-over Pamela and Pamela, not loving him, yet found his ardor irresistible. Brian found no opportunity to declare himself.

Short, divorced Ted started seeing Pamela after that. She continued to come to Brian for her massages, and he might have spoken up during one of those, but that felt too complicated. Pamela arrived clean for their appointments. That’s the way Brian liked her, clean and nude under the white robe or the massage sheet. He just wasn’t inspired to speak.

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Near Ms (2 of 3)

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Meanwhile, Pamela dodged a bullet and missed a path. Her company was downsizing and she was terrified at the idea of being laid off. She dug in and began working extra hard, putting in long hours, showing her boss Ted just how dedicated she could be. She succeeded in keeping her position, but she also conditioned Ted to expect all that labor. If she had been laid off, she would have landed at e-Den.com, and she would have enjoyed their subsequent and famous success. She would have had time to write.

As it was, she worked harder and internalized more stress. Ted was smart but driven, and he demanded a lot from her. He was short – not more than an inch taller than her five foot six – and he had a Napoleonic way of compensating for his lack of height. He was divorced (four times so far), so he had plenty of time to work and expected it of those around him. Pamela’s neck was almost permanently stiff and her sleep became disturbed. She went to the spa as often as she could find any time, for one of Brian’s therapeutic massages, and she began to wonder about him. Even though he was a large man – six feet tall and big-boned – Pamela assumed he was gay. It wasn’t just where he worked; although the cosmetics/personal indulgence field has at least as high a gay percentage as the entertainment industry, straight people can certainly be found. It was Brian’s fastidious habits, his incisive observations about faces and bodies, his conversation about makeup and clothes. He crossed his legs at the knees. He sampled massage oils on his wrist and had a way of then sniffing them, a way even of checking his own pulse when he was exercising, that wasn’t very masculine.

Pamela told herself it didn’t matter what Brian’s orientation was; she only wanted to continue to be massaged by him. He was at least six or seven years younger than she, anyway. But she was lonely. It got to where she was considering the expense and confession of a dating service.

She arranged to get a facial as well as a massage from Brian. Then she threw hesitation to the wind and asked if she could get a full makeover. She booked appointments for massage, manicure, pedicure, facial, hair cut and color and styling, and makeup. It would be a full afternoon, and she intended to go to a formal opera reception and dinner dance, alone if she couldn’t find a date, afterwards.

Brian would perform all of the treatments. That was his idea; he took Pamela’s call and he arranged the calendar. He was simultaneously excited and apprehensive about the afternoon.

After his experience with the Black Widow, he said he didn’t like makeup and adornments. He often amused himself by visualizing everyone around him without their clothes and jewelry. This wasn’t a voyeuristic or pornographic hobby, and he received no sexual stimulation from it. It’s just that he was fascinated by the human form, no matter what its shape, and he only trusted clean nudity.

What drew him to Pamela was her wonderful clarity. Even though all of his spa clients came to him fresh from the pool or tub or shower, Pamela had an extra shine about her. Maybe it was her freckled skin or the glints in her curly brown hair, but it probably had more to do with her direct personality and open-featured face: Pamela acted clean. He liked that.

If it weren’t for the fact that she talked about men, Brian might have thought she was gay. She didn’t act mannish, but hers was a strong personality, she had perpetually clean fingernails, and there was nothing coquettish about her. He knew she’d never been of those shrieky-eeky females, squealing and jumping around when she saw a girlfriend, never going to a public bathroom alone. He knew without asking that she’d always been good at science. And she had a brusque, take-charge-and-fix-it attitude that he usually only saw in nurses and lesbians. But over time she talked enough that he knew she was straight, and once she booked the makeover appointment, he understood that she was getting serious about finding someone.

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Near Ms (1 of 3)

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Most of the time Pamela didn’t think about Brian. She came to the day spa as often as her schedule permitted: about every three weeks. Brian gave the best massage she’d ever had, so she gratefully considered him immediately before, during and after a visit, but otherwise, she tended to be too busy to think of anything but items on her to-do list and an exhausted future of loneliness, and to be too full of those subjects to notice any opportunities around her. Just a week earlier, for example, she was barreling along on an afternoon walk to get exercise and bagels, striding fast and head forward as usual. She didn’t notice her surroundings or even the people she passed. She had just exchanged automatic greetings with a bearded man working in his garden when she tripped on an uneven bit of sidewalk. She didn’t fall (she didn’t have time to fall, she told herself as she recovered from her stumble and kept pacing). She walked on unknowing that if she had fallen, the bearded man would have come to her assistance, and they would have met, and her future would have been entirely more pleasant.

Brian generally knew all this about Pamela but it didn’t diminish his interest. He’d been at least theoretically attracted to her since he met her a year earlier when he took the job at the spa. She was smart. She was funny. She was complicated. She was safe. He even liked it that she was seven years his senior; that felt comfortable. But he hadn’t done anything about his attraction. He was still recovering.

Eight years before, Brian had been an up-and-coming stock broker. Twenty-seven years old, good enough looking, moving around at light speed and making over a hundred thousand a year. He had a succession of girlfriends and he liked every one of them, but he never fell in love. Maybe he was overly fastidious, but something about each one of his girlfriends prevented even his infatuation: bad toes, a way of pursing her mouth that showed him how ugly her future wrinkles would be, a habit of sucking her teeth… Until Barbara.

They were introduced at a fundraiser for the symphony. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Glossy black hair, creamy skin, warm blue lash-fringed eyes, crimson mouth and nails, slender wrists and ankles, narrow hands, and a way about her, an elegant magnetism. Brian thought her perfect. He fell in love.

Barbara was from Texas, a young widowed mother with a nine-year old adorable daughter. The investigators hadn’t yet caught up with her.

She was so charming, lovely, and glamorous that she managed to get Brian to pay for her condominium and her daughter’s private school and feel that it was his idea, all in a year and a half when she only actually fucked him four times.

Brian’s friends became concerned about him. They noted his obsession and were helpless to alter his behavior, but they rallied round and tried to comfort him when Barbara suddenly left town. The men from Texas told them that the lovely widow had lost not one but two husbands, actually, both rich and both possibly poisoned, and at the very least, she had questions to answer. But by then Brian was close to filing for bankruptcy.

His heart was even more mangled than his net worth. He didn’t have the hustle to stay in the financial district. He thought he’d be a doctor and even enrolled in some pre-med courses, but he soon realized that he couldn’t afford the long course of study. He diverted himself into anatomy, physical therapy, yoga and cosmetology classes, while working as a masseur and facialist. He grew critical about glamor. But he argued with himself about that. Try as he might to lose it, Brian remained very susceptible to well-applied makeup, nail polish, and lingerie. Perfume got to him. He felt safest with women at his work, who came to his massage table clean and white-robed, without all the ornaments. But he couldn’t lose those fantasies.

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Editing

MinotaurLabyrinth[1]

Respectfully I edit what I wrote
three days ago, reviewing it for gist
and attitude. To get it I must quote
myself in love, by composition blissed
and wit remarked. A question begged or left
to hang will hang the piece in paucity;
a pose is poison, and I am bereft
by affectation’s bald dishonesty.

The piece must have beginning, center, end
and more than all must interest anyone
as finicky as we. What I intend
to teach I wrap in fabric I have spun
of entertainment, gambols of my mind,
by repetitious editing refined.

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Walking the Dog

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Outside the library, there grows a yard
of lawn-like grass, a triangle of green,
where canines bred to hunt, retrieve, or guard
review the scents of passers-by. The scene
around that place, amid the dirt and dew,
appears the same as what occurs inside:
a bunch of mammals reading what is new
in journals where the ink has barely dried.

Among that lawn grow untrimmed sycamores,
with leafless branches fanning out as they
elongate from the trunks. They seem to draw
vitality from sky of morning gray,
as if the limbs were veins and arteries
of earth, exposed in air for all to see.

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The Loneliest New Year’s Eve (Y2K)

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Alone I’ll be to say a wet goodbye
to all the years that start with 1 and 9.
My house will echo as the dog and I
make mumble-face and forelegs intertwine.
Admittedly I’ll long for company,
imagining a corny perfect date.
I’ll tell myself I’m better off to be
alone than to prefer an other mate.

I’ll cheat nobody’s heart. I’ll slam no soul
withholding clarity. I may invent
companionship and have myself a ball.
I understand how little I control,
but I’ve sufficient power to consent
to joyful intercourse, or none at all.

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