A Nice Mean

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Admittedly my mother’s quick to see
the problem with whatever’s in her view.
She schooled me from my infancy to be
expressly judge and jury. “Loving you,
I feel I have the right to let you know
the ways you can improve yourself. You should
do this, wear that, et cetera” she’d throw
at me. “I’m saying this for your own good.”

Where Mother loved she bettered, she’d assert,
and if she said that once she said it twice.
The woman never grasped how much it hurt –
I wonder would it kill her to be nice?
It’s not that she’s too mean to die. It’s more
she has too many folks to fix before.

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Sliding into Sleep

sleep

There isn’t much to dream about, when young.
A baby doesn’t have a point of view
with depth perspective, and the infant tongue’s
unused to frame. A child has too few
thematic memories to build a plot
sufficiently complex to fascinate.
Each sleeper has to work with what she’s got,
and most don’t live enough till 58.

But as a body ages, so does sleep.
We wake a bit whenever we adjust
position, and our slumber’s seldom deep
enough. Then sofa naps become a must,
and sliding under often plays a cast
of faces and conditions from the past.

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Atmospheric Streams

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I won’t permit anxiety about
this winter rain. So what if there’s a leak?
That’s nothing as depressing as the drought,
and skylights are less trouble than the creek
I nestled near, for ten and seven years.
These current storms are not for me to harp
about, or harbor damp invasive fears –
if something spouts a leak, I’ll get a tarp.

I’ll search for one that’s not the eye-slap blue
of backyard pools – I’ll seek a tarp of brown,
but only if rainwater makes it through.
I won’t obsess or fret. I will not frown,
for I adore the sight and sounds of rain
and never thought we’d get this much again.

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Record Snow

pdx-snow

Libby isn’t a comfortable traveler. It doesn’t matter how often she’s been someplace; she gets nervous before leaving home and a part of her stays home, pulling her back like a drafting compass, making her count the hours or days until she reenters her nest.

But she’s a tenacious matriarch, and she aims to see her descendants now and then. So she flies to Portland at least four times a year, for a long weekend with her daughter and son-in-law and their two kids. This year Tito has just turned eleven and Ruby will be seven.

Tito’s full name is Timothy Thomas. His dad called him “TimTo”at first, but Libby’s dad heard “Tito.” He was then in his fifth year of progressive vascular dementia; the family wouldn’t know how incapacitated he was until his death nine months later. Anyway, the nickname stuck: he’s Tito to everyone now.

Ruby is in fact Ruby. Libby’s daughter always loved the name and her son-in-law didn’t object. The parents are strawberry blondes and the baby was born with red silky hair, so the moniker fits. Tito is a blond.

Libby had cheap plane tickets for the long weekend. And she had the usual pre-travel anxiety (it’s a body thing, and if she could package it she’d cure any case of constipation), increased by the weather forecasts at both ends of the flight. No one is sure when the media formed whatever pact they have, to try to make incoming weather dramatic and scary, but they all do it. Libby resides in the climatically benign San Francisco bay area, beside the largest harbor on the west coast of all the Americas, within a mild temperature range of about thirty degrees year round, and the weather is never so bad that she can’t go out and walk in it. The annual rain starts in November. If Libby paid attention to the meteorologists, she’d rush out to buy batteries and water and tarps every time there’s a low offshore.

There was a shower forecast at her end. SFO is a notoriously frail airport, liable to close half its runways if there’s rain or fog or wind gusts. The prediction for Portland was clear and sunny but below freezing, after more snow than the place had gotten in almost four decades.

She checked flight status before she left home. On schedule. But she was experienced; it always looked on schedule before she locked her door and even en route to the airport. She never found out about a delay till she got to the terminal, and then the advice was to clear security and stay at the gate, because “we might get released early.” She had no choice but to proceed as if all would be well.

She locked up her place and walked the two blocks to the bus stop. No rain. The bus came in a few minutes and got her to the BART station right before the train arrived. She entered the ninth car of ten, found an empty group of four seats, set her rolling bag against the train’s side, her butt in the window seat facing front, her cross-body bag in the seat by her side. The trip was low key and without pauses. The views topside were through clean windows at sunlit, rain-washed neighborhoods. The half Vicodin she had begged from her brother kicked in.

When the train pulled into the airport she walked the length of the platform to the fare gates and went through the International Terminal to the United domestic side of things. She hadn’t scored TSA Pre, but the lines at regular security were shorter than she’d ever seen them. She cleared it in five minutes.

The stroll to the gate was pleasant, amid remodeled seating areas and well-behaved travelers. The half hour delay that was posted there was the first bad news of her day. She learned that the plane wasn’t around yet. It was coming from PDX, where icy weather delayed it. Uh oh…

But not “uh oh.” That plane touched down when predicted, twenty-three minutes late. All boarded without incident. Libby’s seat was in the back, of course – that’s always where the cheap tickets landed her – but that also meant there was space for her rolling bag overhead. And although the gate attendant made repeated announcements about the fully-booked plane, there was an empty center seat between her and the young businesswoman in 31D.

The takeoff was beautiful. The clouds were cottony and the sky a vast blue. Lake Shasta didn’t look as full as reported. It showed a tan outline at the shore like an emphatic border in a coloring book, but there was oceans more water than in the last five years. Mount Shasta was fully robed. The amazing view was snow-covered Oregon. White and ice-sparkling under January sun.

They landed close to the original scheduled time and Libby didn’t have to wait long for her son-in-law, even though he had to contend with heavy traffic and slow speed all the way to the airport, because of the snow. The day before, Portland received nine inches. That’s the most the city has had in thirty-seven years.

Portland doesn’t expect snow like that. The municipality owns no snow plows and has no organized way to strew salt or sand. Normally what sticks tends to melt away the next day. Even though two inches of snow can paralyze the place, the city hasn’t seen plows as a priority.

This time the snow didn’t melt. Precipitation ceased, skies cleared, and the temperature remained below freezing. The snow was turning to ice the Thursday she landed, and it only got icier over the weekend.

Traffic was moving so slowly that she could track the progress of her son-in-law’s silver van as he navigated the long approach. He skidded a little when he stopped, but the chains he’d just installed did their job. Whenever he touched the gas the van would pause and rev a little as the wheels found their purchase. Then it would bump slowly along.

Most other vehicles didn’t wear chains that day. And they slipped a little and skidded a bit. Even those with 4-wheel drive couldn’t maintain a straight line and whenever they came to a slope, of which there are few in Portland, they saw sedans canted almost sideways and coupes stalled akimbo, all with muffled down-puffy passengers around them, strategizing about how to move the car.

But none of it was bad news, even for those passengers. The sunshine was bright, the wind was calm, and no vehicle was moving at more than 35 mph. Nothing collided with anything else.

That night they all went out for dinner at their usual favorite. Tito and Ruby had fish and chips. They drove there slowly, crunchily, and returned (after the brownie a la mode) the same way.

By the next day, things were even icier. Except for the few mall tenants who paid for private plowing, and the bar owners who hired kids to shovel their walkways, all streets, freeways, and sidewalks were white and harder than the day before. One in every dozen steps was a little slide. But one could still stomp into it, with a satisfying crunch. The family took a good walk around the neighborhood, but mostly they stayed inside.

Libby helped Ruby with her science workbook. She had to identify stages of insect and amphibian maturity. She asked why people didn’t come in tadpole, larva, nymph, or chrysalis forms. Libby answered that people have those stages, and more; it’s just that humans don’t exhibit big physical differences while growing. Libby asked her to consider how long a person takes to become an adult: at least sixteen (thirty-four!) years. It’s that much time, Libby told her (marveling at how closely she appeared to be attending), because there are so many things for a person to learn. Libby reminisced aloud about how impatient she’d been to grow up, but how necessary all that time turned out to be. Ruby shook her red curls and smiled with her whole face. Then they went upstairs and played Legos. Libby and Ruby love mini-figures and assemble communities of them. They used to let Tito turn them into armies, but lately he’s too mature for that.

Saturday all ground surfaces were shining like uneven glass. Everywhere they went Portland sparkled. But it was still slow going. By then the snow couldn’t be shoveled at all. Some merchants were fed up with the dangerous sidewalk conditions and finally faced the white stuff. It had iced up so that it had to be hammered into slabs before it could be pushed aside. There were two-inch thick triangular tiles of frozen snow piled between shop fronts and parking lanes.

They ventured out again. They had to; it was the day of Tito’s birthday party at the nickel arcade. Slow was the watchword. Libby was charmed at how undangerous the hazards became. “It’s like the issue of playground surfaces,” her daughter commented as they rolled up the slope near the house, and they all for a moment thought of the bouncy ground-covering now obtained by grinding old tires or however that weird soft composite is made. “Studies show that the kids just ratchet up their risks. I read that the rate of concussions and bone breaks has stayed constant.”

The party was a success. Afterwards the family stopped for Indian food. Between the papadum and the naan, Tito pulled out his iPhone and attempted a quick text to his friend Jack. He’d just gotten the phone for his birthday and he seemed to find its operation irresistible. It was already a subject of contention between him and his parents. They busted him immediately.

“What the f…?” came from his father as “Tito! I told you before…” exited his mother’s mouth. Both acted confiscatory. “What were you thinking?” they asked.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just dumb.” The boy seemed to be fast-learning sarcasm. Libby had noticed this sort of response all weekend.

“You’re not dumb,” her daughter began, and Tito stormed in with “Yes I am! I’m an idiot.”

Libby looked at her grandboy and saw the embarrassment in him. She tried to counsel. “Oh honey. I’m sorry you hurt.” He glanced at her. His eyes were shiny. “Sweetie. There are two kinds of pain. Mostly it’s a warning that you’re sick or injured. You know: your body screaming for attention: ‘Stop. Rest. Time to take care of yourself.’

“But there’s another kind of pain and it’s good. You get it when you grow. Remember when Ruby was a baby and cut her first teeth? It hurt. It always hurts to use something new. But it’s a good signal. A ‘pay attention and enjoy the new power’ signal. The embarrassment you’re feeling now is good pain. It’s not a sign that you’re dumb.”

Libby thinks she probably didn’t make the impression on Tito that she intended. But she noticed his father was listening. Tito’s father is now forty, and infinitely more humble than he was five years ago. She thinks he may have heard. Perhaps he’ll guide his boy.

They ended up enjoying that meal. And the next day, Sunday, they looked at icy snow from inside the house, while playing board games and watching anime, and crunch-walked around the neighborhood.

Libby flew home Monday. Temperatures were still below freezing and Portland was still glittery white, but the plane arrived from Chicago early and got to SFO on time. She was delighted to walk into her little place. But it had been a near-perfect trip. She had managed to ignore all dire advice and everything had gone well.

The big melt began the next day. Portland had a high in the forties and then came the rain. By Wednesday all the snow and ice was gone and there was local flooding from the water. Libby’s daughter reported that vehicles resumed speed and traffic accident stats returned to normal. There were four times as many collisions on Wednesday as there had been during the five days of Libby’s visit.

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Bad Pain Good Pain

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Eleven years of age: false modesty
erupts; beginning sarcasm appears.
“Because I’m dumb,” my daughter says to me,
when I interrogate her. Leaking tears
from gruff frustration, with a tweener flounce
of head, she’s that embarrassed to be wrong.
“I’m such an idiot,” she’ll then pronounce,
her face declaring that her shame is strong.

“Oh dear,” I blurt. “There’s different types of hurt.
Sometimes it signals illness, wound, or both.
You have to pay attention,” I assert,
“unless the pain’s a symptom of your growth.
To err is how you learn – your wrong today
is just a blessed lesson on your way.”

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Mid-February (One Year Ago)

hyacinth

It’s happening again – a bare-limbed bush
across the yard has leafed out overnight.
On parkway edges hyacinths now push
the earth, and turn with quince blooms toward the light.
I watched a hummingbird imbibe today
and looking closer now, I see the shoots
persimmon wears, the plum tree’s white display,
and lemon blossoms bound to grow to fruits.

There’s two weeks left before the month of March.
The fish must swim before the ram can run.
The weather is delightful as we parch
and dance and tan and sicken in the sun.
We tilt too rapidly to spring – almost
a time machine amok –
too late: we’re toast.

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SITSOL

220px-Cerebral_lobes[1]

I told my kids the spice of life is stress,
but I don’t think they paid me any mind.
They’re mired in a multi-tasking mess
and long to leave anxieties behind.
And yes unmanaged stress will maim a soul,
and sever clever from its origin,
but we have ways to channel and control
that force within, by proper medicine.

It takes a dose of exercise, some rest,
a laugh and any creativity –
whatever builds my self-esteem the best –
and cannabis completes the recipe.
I told my kids and watched them both ignore
me, but they’re busy, and they’re 34.

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The Phantom Phuck

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Three nights ago, as I was sinking in-
to shallow sleep, it seemed I hugged a man
I almost knew. We kissed and as my skin
received his touch, I twined and we began
to fit ourselves together, and perforce
we slid into the horizontal dance,
enjoying seamless dreamy intercourse
with no encumbrances from facts or pants.

My lover was familiar: maybe dead.
The episode was filled with our esteem
for opportunity so rare – I fed
on ecstasy although it was a dream.
Sure I’d replay the vision if I could.
For now I’ll note it here, remembered, good.

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Collected Comments

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Rachel’s second marriage was a mistake. After it ended, the only good things she could say were:

“Well, I certainly learned how to live with stress!”

and…

“At least it got me out of my first marriage.”

No one would argue that these are accomplishments.

Richard left, and she remained in the marital abode for close to a year. But she avoided the cafe they used to frequent. It was a ten minute walk from the house, congenial and clean if not gourmet, a perfect place to take the kids, to go as a couple, or to fetch desserts from, for after dinner at home. Rachel adored the cheesecake. Her stepson was into the creme brulee.

She missed that cafe after Richard left, but she was shy about patronizing it. Not so much from fear of nostalgia: more because she didn’t want the owner’s look of concern, his considerate hospitality. Almost eight months passed before she entered the place again, for lunch with her best friend. It was mid-October, and the sun blazed in a spanking blue sky.

The owner was overjoyed. Ali gave her a wide grin, a gentle hug, the best table on the patio. She angled her chair next to the rail and enjoyed the street scene. When he brought her salad out he asked, “How’s Richard? Is he still…” and as he spoke, he mimed lifting a glass to his mouth and tossing it and his face backward. In a flash Rachel understood what had eluded her when Richard lived with her: every trip to the cafe for take-out dessert was a chance for Richard to knock back a couple of glasses of white.

A number of years passed. Rachel moved out of the neighborhood and the cafe was sold to a pharmacy. That was sad, because it meant the shopping/dining boulevard lost its best outdoor tables. But turnover is how life goes.

Rachel and Richard exchanged emails on their birthdays for awhile, but those were not informative. She could tell he wasn’t thriving; he never mentioned an interesting case and he kept relocating farther inland. Everyone knows it’s a one-way move from the coast to the valley; it’s always too expensive to return.

Then Rachel acquired an old colleague of Richard’s, as a consulting client. When she and Ted reconnected over the phone, they started with reminiscences. There were references to some out of state conferences. Ted said something about how much Richard could put away. And then changed the subject.

Rachel knew the men never had any love for one another, but they’d both been attorneys in a regulated field, so they were used to meeting at hearings and continuing ed sessions. It was a gentleman’s practice then; they were almost courtly in behavior. Their firms came apart with deregulation, but Ted kept most of his old clients and represented them in other matters. Richard didn’t do so well. By the way Ted commented Rachel understood that for him, and probably others in that network, the significant trait in Richard was his drinking.

Another number of years passed. Richard died. He was 75 but his death didn’t appear to be connected with his age. He was driving home from work on an October Friday afternoon and he made a turn in front of an oncoming SUV. It was his error, and it cost him his life.

Rachel heard the sad news from her former stepson. She passed it on to her children and friends and eventually to another client who had known Richard. Brad had been Richard’s junior partner, so he was much closer to Rachel’s ex than old Ted. When she told him about the accident, Brad blurted, “Was alcohol involved?”

Rachel is the last person to assess an individual’s personality by the comments it evokes, but questions and statements about Richard were starting to mass around her like cavalries. Then she spent an afternoon with her daughter.

She flew to Portland for a long weekend in November. They didn’t get a chance to really talk till Sunday morning, when her son-in-law took the boys out for a dog walk and doughnut fetch. Emily poured them fresh cups of coffee, added half & half to hers, and brought the mugs to the table. “So tell me about Richard,” she said. “I mean, I remember living with him but I was, what? 13 when he moved out? What were his values? What did he like?”

Rachel thought those were lovely questions. And she couldn’t answer them. Right then she understood the meaning of “floored.” She uncrossed her legs and put both feet on the tile under the table while she pitched a little forward, gazed at the table top, and thought back. She drew a blank.

What was Richard like? Who had she married? The concepts gave her pause. She got to experience flooring and pausing in the same morning. She wanted to think about that time. She might even search some old journals.

It took her awhile to resuscitate some memories. She was thinking back more than half her adult life, after all. By the end of her meditations she concluded that Richard wasn’t as admirable or honorable or creative or intelligent as she had believed in the beginning and left unchallenged at the end. The character she saw through time’s scope was mostly conventional and conforming, and generally not brave or brilliant. Richard had lived widely enough that he had a few vivid moments, like when he was busted for making fake IDs in high school, when he was shot in Viet Nam, and when he fell in love – 40 years old and grasping at passion – with Rachel. He came fully alive those times, he sparked with vigor and couldn’t be denied. At least, that’s how it felt when he wooed her. He seemed irresistible, like a force of nature. She was discontent in her marriage and her first husband knew it. She was imminently recruitable.

Looking back, Rachel concluded that she took that leap without a lot of knowledge. Richard’s firm had been a client, and her contact had been with his senior partner until Gus retired. That’s when Richard assumed the administrative mantle, and Rachel started working with him, and they sparked into an affair that led straight to marriage. She’d felt swept off her feet when it happened, and she’d figured that Gus knew him, Gus passed the reins to him, Gus as much as vouched for him.

But Gus, like Rachel, was Jewish. Rachel now thinks it was her Yiddische upbringing that prevented her from understanding situations where individuals drink to excess but still manage the appearance of normal life. Her parents were the same age as Gus; folks from those households believed one had to be falling-down drunk to have a problem. As far as Rachel is concerned, nowadays anyway, functional alcoholism is a Protestant art form.

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The Age of Arrogance

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“Don’t read without good light – you’ll wreck your eyes,”
my father said to me, when I was 10.
And “Stretch before and after exercise,”
he must have warned a thousand times back then.
I disagreed and disobeyed, and earned
no consequences from ignoring him.
I thought his vision skewed. I should have learned
his words are true for those on age’s rim.

At 55 I started getting sore
when I ignored a warm-up. Soon I found
it hard to read in dimness. Premature
Dad’s words were – though his reasoning was sound
it missed – like those attacks on sophomore sense,
when 35’s the age of arrogance.

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