I heard an item on the nightly news last week. I wasn’t paying close attention and I haven’t researched any of the details, but I don’t think that matters.

The report mentioned a sale of the Heinz company. That good old 57-variety maker of phonetically spelled tomato relish. The news wasn’t so much about the sale as about a case of blatant insider trading.

The way I heard it, some investor bought $90,000 worth of Heinz options the day before the sale was announced. That investor’s account was based in Switzerland and showed no history of trading in Heinz. Within 24 hours after the investor bought the options, the stock price rose because of the sale and the options grew to be worth millions.

The SEC stepped in. Froze the account. Said the investor would have to come forth and identify himself and defend the transactions before he would be able to touch the gains.

That’s when I started trying to image the investor’s defense. And chuckling.

I think it’s to the investor’s advantage that he had never traded Heinz before. After all, just about the worst thing a criminal can do is establish a detectable pattern of behavior.

Here’s what I would say to the SEC:

Heinz? My broker bought Heinz?! I never told him to buy Heinz. What the hell do I know about ketchup? Geez…Sure I recall placing the order. I’m not allowed to do it by voicemail so we had a real-time conversation. I distinctly remember what I said. I told Bill I wanted to buy options on mines: as many as purchasable for $90K. I didn’t notice the error till I received the confirm the next day, and by that time the coincidence hit: I’d accidentally acquired the right to purchase a sold company at the pre-sale price!

It’s not what I intended. But it happened. My money went into Heinz options. Now they’re more valuable. Why shouldn’t I get the benefit of my transaction?