I had to pass through security at SFO on July 14. I was a little concerned about the two water pistols I was packing – sure they were bright plastic, obvious, empty, and bearing their “for ages 4+” labels, but they were gun-sized and gun-shaped.

So I asked the gate-tender about them. You know: the guy who looks at your ID and boarding pass, and paints the cryptic symbol on the pass. He heard me, smiled, and advised me to pull the toys out of my bag: “so the guys don’t find them by X-ray.”

I placed the water pistols on top of my jacket and sandals in the gray plastic bin. I passed through the detection gate without a buzz, but that gate-tender directed me behind him, into the glassed corridor-cage, for a “skirt check.”

As I was trying to watch my stuff on the belt, Crystal entered my cage. She offered privacy if I wanted it, but I told her I was mainly concerned about my possessions. While I assumed the lunge position she requested, and as she started to frame my thighs with her hands, I watched the gear on the belt beside me. “I’m sure you’re stuff hasn’t come through yet,” Crystal opined.

I wasn’t paying enough attention to her grope to enjoy it. “It’s some water pistols I’m concerned about,” I replied.

Just then, about when Crystal was getting set to feel my other-leg-lunge, here came the guns. Carried by a big Samoan-shaped dude and still in the gray bin, which he held before him like it contained nitroglycerin.

What a kick: Crystal was the supervisor. She looked to be maybe 30, perhaps 5’4″, slim. This seven foot tall gorilla approaches her with colorful toys in a plastic bin, and asks her whether the water pistols can pass through. He requires that she “personally” okay the items.

She picked one up, but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it. A sardonic expression fleetly visited her face. “They’re okay,”she said.

Then Samoan man turned, went back to his station, and informed his colleague that “Crystal passed these guns – these are allowed.”

I don’t want to sound disrespectful, but the vignette was a farce and no one witnessing it, passenger or security, mistook it for safety.